Wednesday, June 30, 2010

All My Infirmities

Audrey's had a lot to contend with during her 6 short years on Earth.  As if autism wasn't enough, she's been a magnet for all manner of other serious illnesses and calamities.

When she was just 10 months old, she decided to come down with the rotavirus during a flight from Chicago to San Jose.  If you are eating as you read this, you might want to come back when you're done.  You would never think that a little 10-month-old body could hold such volumes of puke.  It just kept coming and coming...all over me, all over person next to us, and all down the aisle as I tried to make a break for the toilet.  I had a change of clothes for her, but not for me.  And I definitely didn't pack a clean pair of Dockers for the middle-aged man sitting next to us.  I had gotten the worst of it though.  Audrey was happy as a clam once she had purged herself of every drop of bodily fluid inside her.  Meanwhile, I had to sit through the rest of the flight in overalls that were soaked to my skin in puke and non-potable airplane toilet water.  The guy sitting next to us must have hit the eject button and parachuted into the Rockies because he was nowhere to be found when we returned to our seats.

When she was 3  1/2 years old, Audrey was mauled by a dog.  On her face.  I have pictures, but I won't be posting them.  It was hideous and awful and horrifying.  She had something like 20 stitches in her face, and her head swelled up like a pumpkin.  Which was fitting because it happened just before Halloween.  This was by far the worst of our emergencies, but it was not our last.

Two Halloweens later, just this past fall, we made another festive trip to the ER.  This time she fell off of monkey bars and broke her arm.  It would be the second time in three years that she would get some kind of Halloween garb cut off of her by an EMT.  When she was bit by the dog, it was an orange-and-black Old Navy t-shirt.  This time around she was dressed in her full costume.  As a cupcake.  Which gives me an excuse to post this picture:
This costume represents the apex of Halloween costumery for us.  It will never get any better than this.  I could tell you that I found a picture in a Pottery Barn Kids catalog (theirs was like $70) and sent it off to my crafty beaver of a sister with orders for her to replicate it...but she doesn't read my blog, so I totally made it myself.  If you don't think this is the cutest thing you ever saw, then you seriously need to kiss my ass.

The scene just a mere minutes after that picture was taken was slightly less cute.  A poor, distressed cupcake getting her little pink sweatshirt/frosting cut off...strawberry garnish askew, pink and brown jimmys flying, cupcake liner torn.  You can see the remnants in this picture.  I think the morphine had kicked in at this point because she's looking like a pretty smashed cupcake.

Luckily, she didn't break her mouse arm so she could still obsessively search YouTube for naughty versions of children's songs and Chinese-language Baby Mozart clips.

Which brings us to the present.  This week, Audrey fell off of a swing at school.  No, not the playground kind.  That would be too normal.  She somehow fell out of one of those lycra hammock swings that are commonly found in sensory/motor rooms for occupational therapy.  I guess she was being swung by one of the aids and somehow flew out of it with extreme volacity, missing the padded mat and landing forehead-first on the thinly carpeted floor.

I took her to the pediatrician to have her checked out for a concussion, and made sure to take along the school's accident report lest they think that I was responsible for her injuries.  Because it really really looks like she's gone a couple of rounds with somebody. 

Through it all, Audrey is almost always in her usual good spirits, unlike her sobbing train wreck of a mother.  Witness her text convo with Lauren yesterday:
Lauren:  How's your booboo
Audrey:  It is very good.


  1. That is awful--especially the airplane trip. Yikes!

    The worst I had was when my daughter had an allergic reaction to a cashew. That wasn't pretty. She now has to have 2 epipens by her at all times. Fun!

    Being a mom is not easy!

  2. Oh man, poor baby... and mommy!! Hope you have good insurance :)

    I'm afraid to jinx myself but we do not have experiences like this. F*ck, am I totally screwed for putting that out into the universe. Nahhh, we all know I'm already screwed!

    Umm, hey there, cupcake! Amazing costume. I freaking love it!!!

  3. Things that keep us up at night ~
    don't we wish we had magic wands to wave over our kids before they left the house?
    On an easier note. The puked on, disappearing man has a great story to be told endlessly at gatherings and (yuk) the dinner table. I'm sure his family stopped being thrilled after the first telling.
    My youngest had "projectile" vomiting for her first few months and was nicknamed Pukey. Don't ask how we worked out that she was retaining some of her milk.
    That cupcake costume is amazing!

  4. p.s. I must pay homage to both you and Audrey for living through the dog nightmare. Heart pounding night sweats, right out of Stephen King. Sweet Audrey has an angel or two on her shoulder keeping her beautiful and smiley. God Bless.

  5. I gotta say that text broke my heart because I knew that her booboo was NOT very good! :( Poor Audrey, my heart breaks for her.

    And yes Lynn that costume ROCKED! Too bad she was so broken you couldn't enter any contests -you would have won.

  6. I never tire of hearing kudos for the cupcake costume. As I told Dani, the PBKids version was going for $200 on eBay last year, so I think I need to have my sister do some repairs...either for an encore this year or to resell on eBay...hmmmmm...I wonder which....

  7. Ah, yes, she's all kid! And that costume was just adorable!! She can be a cup cake some other Halloween!

    I used to get black and blue bruises all over my legs....just always running into things...the doctors thought my mom was beating me...seriously!!! No, I was just EXTREMELY active.

  8. That was a great cupcake costume!

    I have to tell you, reading this post had made me feel like I have a compadre in the child illness/injury war. Thanks.

    My kiddo just broke his arm this past April...ummm...jumping off the tree. I think he thought he could jump onto the swing or something like that. Of course, he could not really tell us, his 3 year old sister reported to us.

    So sorry about Audrey's fall off of the swing. The aide must have felt horrible. We have gone through so many concussions with IJ that I always am a bit worried that they are going to call DCFS on us...just kidding, sort of not. We don't even take him in anymore because we know what s/s to look for, but I always let his ped know about the incident. Geesh...that should not be apart of our parenting repertoire. In the beginning of last school year, IJ's teacher questioned me about 3 bruises on his forearm. I was like...What bruises? Seriously, the boy has bruises all the time and when he got home I checked...yeah...3 bruises but they were teeny tiny...ugh!!

    I feel your pain Lynn. I hope the night goes well for the both of you.

  9. Oh my dear lord. Your daughter is HARD CORE! Poor little thing. Here's hoping that maybe all of her bad injuries are over and done with.

  10. I can relate to Audrey... my pediatrician used to call me "Calamity Jane." It's a good thing that kids are so resilient. And they make cute cupcakes, too! (Great costume!)

  11. Yes, I'm hoping that everyone is allotted a finite number of calamities in their life and that Audrey has just squeezed all of hers into her first 6 years.

  12. Hi Lynn! I’m visiting from the Blog Frog Mom Loop. I agree that it’s great kids are so resilient. My daughter had rotovirus, too—at 18 months. She ended up in the hospital. Horrible! But love that cupcake costume! It’s one of the best costumes I’ve ever seen—very sweet!

  13. What a cute little cupcake!

    Stopping by from SITS