Monday, September 13, 2010

Beware: Child With Autism At Large

I received an email yesterday from one of the autism sites that I subscribe to...it was offering a free pdf that you could print out to make cards (see above) to pass out to people when your autistic child is doing whatever it is they are doing to make them stare at him/her. 

There is a lot of stuff like this out there -- tags, buttons, zipper pulls, t-shirts -- that identifies your child as autistic, because....why?  Because otherwise they might be mistaken for someone who just doesn't give shit what you think?  Because otherwise a police officer might beat her with a Paddy whacker if she doesn't listen when he tells her to stop disturbing the peace with her incessant arm pumping?  I'll take my chances.

I can't imagine handing out cards to strangers at the mall, no matter how blatantly they are staring at Audrey.  Just wordlessly walking over to them, handing them a card, and skulking back to my bench in the play area.  How pitiful is that?  Poor little girl is not only autistic but she has a mute for a mother.   

I think it would be much better to have Audrey hand out cards.  So here's another Top 10 list...Top 10 options for pre-printed "bidness" cards for Audrey to hand out to strangers in public: 

10)  Person with autism.  Give me money for my therapy fund or I will eat your children.

9)  Here's a card for douchebag.  Here's a card for an a-hooooole.  C'mon, am I the only one who saw Kanye on the VMA's last night?  Uh uh...go Kan, go Kan!

8)  Yeah, I have autism, but why do I have to obey the commands of complete strangers when all of the typical kids are taught that they should not do exactly that?
   
7)  Will dance for absolutely nothing in return.

6)  Why don't you take a picture?  It'll last longer.  Oh yeah, I totally cut you low.

5)  Feel free to smile and say hi to me.  Or not.  I won't notice either way.

4)   Please don't offer to help my mother.  If you do, she will make a far bigger spectacle than I am making right now.

3)  Yeah, I got mad dance moves...jealous?

2)  If you ever went to college, I'm sure you've done far worse in public than this.

And the #1 option for Audrey's calling cards:
1)  Call the police. I've been abducted by the crazy lady over there who's  rocking and singing some whacked-out lyrics to "Love Me Tender".

The voting is now open.

31 comments:

  1. You're handling all this better than you think! To have this sense of humor, to be able to joke about it is a sure sign of sanity believe it or not!

    You crack me up!!

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  2. I'd like to place an order for 500 of #5. I think Boo would enjoy handing out the cards while mostly ignoring the people he gave them to. Unless they're vaguely shaped like Daddy from the belly down, in which case he'd greet them enthusiastically with "Daddy, 'ug!!"

    Though maybe a gross of #8 would be good too...

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  3. Lynn, you have this rare ability (dare I call it a gift?) to see the humor in daily life. Your top 10 list is too funny - I look forward to my daily dose of Audrey at lunch!

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  4. LOL! Those are so great! I have to admit, one of our service providers had cards, so I took a bunch. I never ended up using any. Why did I take a bunch? I don't like to say "autism" or "Asperger's" around my daughter. I don't want her to know yet.

    I did have once incident at an urgent care facility. My daughter had hurt her finger, so we wanted it X-rayed to be sure it wasn't broken. She was stellar there. She had a cute doctor she flirted with. She knocked the socks of everyone there! The doctor decided her finger wasn't broken, so he didn't put it into a splint of anything. As we were leaving, my daughter had a meltdown because it had gotten dark outside, and she wanted it to still be light out. The nurse misinterpreted the meltdown, grabbed my daughter, declaring that the girl was "Obviously in pain!" and took her to another doctor to look at her. I wished I had the card to give the nurse then! I tried to mouth, "She's fine, she's autistic..." but the nurse either didn't understand or thought I was nuts!

    So we spent another half an hour there so they could put an oversized splint that didn't fit, and we could repeat the tantrum when daughter saw it was dark out again! LOL!

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  5. Hmmm you left out, "I have autism, but my mom over there? she's just a freaking whackjob"

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  6. Ha I like #10 the best I think! I've seen these cards before but the one you pictured that asks for them to help- that would put me off big time. If someone came over to me and asked if I needed help when Brian's having a meltdown I would totally bite their heads off!

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  7. Ha ha! I love this topic. Love the top ten.
    I have a relative who wanted me to hand out cards that said "Celebrate neuro-diversity" to strangers who stare.

    Because the doufass who is too rude and stupid to realize they are staring at a special needs family may really appreciate the suggestion right?

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  8. #4 is the one for me. I love the idea that they think that, after 13 years of nuclear meltdowns, they know a cute little trick we didn't think of before that can actually "help" rather than exacerbate the situation. As for those "starers" and "gawkers" I like to employ a polite, yet forceful, "Go f**k yourself". Coming from a huge, bald, tattooed man, this typically does the trick. (Btw, love #5 too)

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  9. Very funny Lynn! I too was surprised at the "offer to help" part!

    One time (years ago) a lady came over to me to help as WiiBoy in meltdown mode on the street with everyone staring at us! She approached and I pleaded with my eyes.... nooooo...she came over anyway! And the she touched him... on the shoulder! In mid meltdown!! Can you imagine?! And he spoke to her. He said.... "Go away..you...you stupid woman"

    Needless to say I didn't correct him!

    xx Jazzy

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    http://www.inspiringyou2save.com

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  11. And this, Lynn, is why we don't go to the mall. LOL

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  12. great post, love 1 - 10

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  13. So we seem to have consensus that offers to help are not a good idea.

    @Cheryl: Sounds like yours is the best example of having a card come in handy...you would need a customized one that specified that they not use the A-word in front of her.

    @jazzy: I love Wiiboy more and more every day. Too bad your Wiiboy and Big Daddy's Griffin are an ocean apart...I think that they could definitely hang.

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  14. Seriously, you should start taking orders.

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  15. i would like ppl to help me. maybe not the one having the tantrum but the other 5 kids i have with me. Like if he is tantruming in public and needs to go out for a minute they could say, gather up the herd for me.

    I am not a card passer-outter but i never know what to say to those onlookers.

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  16. I am absolutely making Billy a T-shirt that says, "Will dance for absolutely nothing in return." And #6! And #5!

    HA! I think you have a whole T-shirt line in the making here. Open your store. I'm buying!

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  17. Please make Audrey a shirt for #3. And then make that your Christmas card. (Just pls don't use the poop-eating-poop-pooping dog pic.)

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  18. Hysterical. #5 being my favorite.

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  19. Oh! I thought of one for Owen!

    "I know I talk funny. Go ahead and make fun of me. I won't hear you."

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  20. Hysterical. I think you should make them up and pass them out just to see their reactions.

    However, the joke about the police smackdown. Yeah, totally happened to a teen here a few months ago. Needless to say the chief was canned as were all officers involved. Also, I live in Redneck Moronville, USA so I doubt shit like that happens in real cities.

    Ooh, sorry if I was just a debbie downer. Didn't mean to be. I just wanted to point out I'm live among morons.

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  21. This is my first time visiting your blog and I LOVE it! I have a son with Autism, among other disabilities. I would love to exchange links, if you are interested? I think our readers would benefit. Please look at my site and let me know. Thanks...and thanks for making me laugh!

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  22. I found you from Cheryl D over at Little Bit Quirky. We are exploring the possibility..the very real possibility of our daughter having autism. And I have to tell you that just about every one of these made me literally LOL because they fit her so well. #5 in particular comes to my mind. But it wasn't just that one.

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  23. Anyone have a child that plays in their poop? Check out www.ikidsfashion.com for the solution...It's called the "Wonder Jumper". Now you can rest and have peace of mind.

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  24. I need a hundred #4, stat, please!

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  25. This had me spitting out my wine all over the keyboard- absolutely HILARIOUS!!

    PS- No.1 has actually happened to me.....!

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  26. I love your #2 phrase. That's exactly the best thing to say to all those boneheads who stare at my Aspie when he's flapping his hands.

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