Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Audrey, Unsupervised

So my last post covered the controversy in the UK of how some disabled adults were spending their welfare checks.  Here is what I imagine Audrey will be spending her money on when she is (God willing) living on her own and able to make her own decisions.  Hopefully there will be money.  From somewhere.  Either the government, or an actual job, or from the special needs trust that I set up for her when my book finally gets published and sets the world on fire.

  • Cheetos, Doritos, her own cotton candy machine, ice cream, Pie of the Month Club membership, milkshakes, pizzas, chocolate, brownies, cakes, caramel corn, french fries, potato chips, white bread a la mode, peanuts, and a high-fructose corn syrup IV drip.  To get her parents back for years of denial.


  • Robots.  Including a robot version of me for after I'm gone.  Robot-Me will handle all of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry, because I was too busy getting her to answer to her name to teach her those things.  She will be an uncanny version of me, and thus will occasionally cease to function and spend entire days in bed.


 
  • The home decor of her dreams:
Disco balls, waterfalls,
& fountains in every
room.
Plus automatic doors
& escalators instead of stairs.



  • Western shirts and bolo ties, if I am to go by the most famous adult with autism.


  • Pet care and maintenance due to her animal hoarding disorder.  


  • Whatever the latest generation technology will be at that time of computers, iPhones, video games, DVR's, DVD's etc.  Including the 25th, 50th, and 75th anniversary box set editions of the Baby Einstein catalog.  Cuz that shit is never gonna get old. 

33 comments:

  1. Audrey and I have so much in common - these are my fantasies of retirement.

    Fearing the same (except for the western shirts) for each of our teens at some time in recent years. Small signs of hope that they will outgrow current indicators. Bet the same is true of Audrey.

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  2. I think Brian will want all of that but with an addition of a room dedicated to his collection of Thomas trains....

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  3. Ask Audrey if I can move in with her when this all happens! Partying like rock stars 24-7

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  4. I LOVE it
    Can Audrey design a similar one for R

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  5. Love it. Can my Queenie move in with Audrey? Queenie has recently learned to load the dishwasher, so she can help out when the robot takes a day in bed.

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  6. I need her as my interior designer, ASAP.

    Thanks for stopping by on my SITS day, fellow Chi-Town lady.

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  7. Yeah. I think Owen, Audrey, and Little Bird should be housemates. They can have their own reality show.

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  8. I think your Audrey and my Charlotte are secretly twins.

    (You have a cute, fun blog that I just discovered. Your naked laptop picture of Audrey is a scene straight out of my house.)

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  9. Okay, I'm dying laughing over here. Maybe the Robot could be like the one that you posted about earlier - it can make all the facial expressions and ask for a hug now and again.
    I think her dream house sounds like a ton of fun to play in. Lucky girl to not have to push the door open to get her groceries in the house!

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  10. LOL!!!!!!! A robot that will occasionally cease to function! That's so awesome.

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  11. I believe Audrey and I were separated at birth. Other than the pet thing, I would blow my stipend exactly as you have described.

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  12. This is hilarious, I'm a mum of a 7yo autistic girl from the UK- thankyou for posting it :)

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  13. Audrey has some fabulous plans... and I want her bedroom!! Disco ball and spandex outfits/ boob tubes etc!!

    Funny post! I didn't realise you were writing a book? You certainly have plenty of material

    xx Jazzy

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  14. Really funny as usual! Lynn, when your book comes out, I'll be at the front of the line!

    I love Audrey's taste in food and home decor! Way cool!

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  15. Whoa! If my bird could understand anything she read, she'd be on her way to Chicago right now to hang out. She'd want all that but instead of the Baby Einstein shit, she'll take a side order of Yo Gabba Gabba and Super Why!

    Obviously, the bird would like to move into a bookstore so she could roll around in books and take many off the shelves and put them back in random places!

    Ooooohhhh, and anything can chew on would be great, too!!

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  16. GA will be a frequent guest at Audrey's rickin crib!

    So funny that Audrey likes the baby einstein sets still! My girls won't let me get rid of them. ( 8 and 10 yrs old!) I actually did get rid of some of them and GA freaked. "Luckily" our neighbor's typical 6 year old "had outgrown them years ago." And she forked them over.
    They are some kind of "recalibrator" for her sensory system I think. I'm sure there could be worse movies for an 8 year old girl to have as a security blanket........ Like Goodfellas...........or Vanilla Sky?

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  17. LOL! for my sister it would be an endless supply of nail polish, red ink pens and word finds.

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  18. The nod to Temple and her attire cracked me up. Disco balls and waterfalls would be a great album title.

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  19. I'm an autistic adult. I mainly spend my money on my home, my partner, and my kids. Mostly the home. How I'd love to have a disco ball or two. Ah, these challenging economic times...

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  20. I have a friend who's child will probably have two or three ceiling fans in each room as well as fountains. Should make for interesting home design.

    Disco balls can be a good thing, not sure why, but something tells me they're coming back.

    At least she'll be there to assist you when you can't figure out your iPhone at the age of 70.

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  21. I am *so* seeing this arranged post-30 marriage working out between Audrey and Billy. He is all about the disco balls, fountains, ice cream and robots. In fact, the last seven words could be the title of his eventual memoir.

    Only potential deal-breaker could the be the animal thing.

    And the fact that there's every likelihood he would wander off and forget he was married to anyone.

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  22. Liam is afraid of animals, but totally with your daughter on the technology, escalators, elevators and cool room decor!

    Thanks for the birthday wishes and Happy Anniversary!!

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  23. Oh Baby Einstein, god love 'em. The other day we were in Target and The Boy was in the shopping cart and as we were coasting through the DVD aisle he said, "THAT ONE!" I didn't know what he meant but brought him closer to the shelves and he *cleared* one of all the Baby Einstein DVDs so he could admire the cases while Mommy perused the rest of the store. That kid just salivated over those things. Just like visiting old friends. Although "Vincent" and "Baby McDonald" are still on the active playlist at our house.

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  24. Great post! You are an inspiration. I love how you keep smiling.

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  25. I think mine will allocate gobs of money to anythig covered in toxic orange powder not currently allowed in the house: Cheetos, Doritos, Cheese puffs, etc etc

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  26. This is my first time on your blog, and I am laughing out loud. My 3 year old (4 in Jan) is on the spectrum, and I thought we were alone in our Baby Einstein obsession. I hide them, but she always finds them. Without intervention, I think she would watch them for days without a break.

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  27. This is too funny! But I need a Robot-me for my husband right now. Lol!

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  28. Sounds like Audrey will have lots of company in her rockin' crib.

    @Jen: You are definitely not alone with the Baby Einstein obsession! Thanks for visiting...I hope you'll be back!

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  29. Happy SITS day!
    I think that reading about Audrey is so very freeing. Whether or not a child is diagnosed with any type of disorder all of us moms still have the same fears, joys, hopes, dreams, and frustrations and we can all benefit from each other. thanks for sharing!

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  30. What a great approach to the topic - good combo of funny mommy blog and parenting a special needs child.

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  31. Love the idea of disco balls and fountains ... in every room!

    Happy SITS day :)

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