Saturday, October 2, 2010

Top 10 Halloween Pet Peeves

OK, I know it's only October 2, but I figure that I'll have at least ten more by the end of the month.

10)  When the trickee-treatee holds out a basket for Audrey to choose a piece of candy.  I always forget to prime her for this option, so she stands there paralyzed with indecision and then starts feeling all of them up or taking one and then putting it back, at which point they start to realize that something is awry.  Just give her a goddamned piece of candy already.

9)  Doctors' offices and hospitals decorated with ghosts, skeletons, and human skulls.  Not cool.

8)  People who give out candy that I do not like. Did they not get my annual flyer?

7)  The fact that fully 1/2 of the Halloweens that Audrey's been alive for have been ruined by:  finding out that she had autism (2005), her getting mauled by a dog (2007), and her breaking her arm (2009).  This year she'll be swaddled in bubble wrap until November 1.

6)  That it's getting harder to wrestle Audrey to the ground for the Kit Kats.

5)  Saucy/naughty/trampy Halloween costumes for women.  Especially when they are based on honorable occupations or beloved children's characters.  Strawberry Slutcake?  Really?

4)  Entering Audrey in a costume contest and having her lose to some punk wearing a poster board with the Jack of Clubs drawn on it, when she looked like this:

I just wanted an excuse
to post this picture again

3)  People who sit outside on their stoops or porches at the end of a long driveway.  We can't pass up the house because they're sitting right there, and then we have to endure the long, awkward approach.  I'm smiling, I'm smiling, still smiling, too soon to start chit-chatting, they're smiling like loons, what do I say, are they going to talk first, is Audrey doing anything weird, oh thank God they're drunk...

2)  That I can't open a bag of candy without eating it all in one sitting.

...and the #1 Halloween Pet Peeve is:

1)  Parents of typical children (you didn't think I'd leave them out, did you?) who from the moment their toddler can scale a curb don't feel it necessary to escort them to the door anymore and stand back on the sidewalk knocking back cocktails from opaque plastic cups.  If I let my 6 year old child with autism do that, she'd be naked in their La-Z-Boy surfing their laptop before I reached the doorway.


  1. Aw, well Jack of Clubs obviously had connections because the little cupcake is adorable and the costume too. :)

  2. Here are some tasty nuggets from Zach's trick-or-treating last year:

    1) I got that at the LAST HOUSE!
    2) I hate popcorn!!
    3) What else ya got???

    Oh, parenting is fun...

  3. Audrey looks SO cute as a cupcake! What a great costume!

    I can't believe all the sucky Halloweens Audrey and you have had! That's awful!

    My daughter is pretty bad with picking out candy also. A lot of them just want to get rid of their candy so they tell the kids to take big handfuls of it. My daughter still has a hard time with it.

  4. You know what was AWESOME about trick or treating with Owen up til two years ago? He was tube fed and I got to eat all the candy.

    And what is still awesome is when the door opens and the homeowner starts asking him questions, to which he gives trademark blank stare, a shrug of his shoulders and grabs more than his share of candy... and always gets away with it.

  5. Suggest that you use Audrey's cutest-cupcake-evah photo as your seasonal icon for the month (with no dis intended to your banner).


  6. #5 DH ALWAYS wants me to dress as a "naughty nurse". Not happening, buddy. :P

    I'm w/Autism Mom.

    DD always flips out when it comes to the selection, too. Sigh.

  7. LMAO!! I can related to every one of these (except the awesome cupcake costume because, man, how awesome is that??)

  8. I love love love it
    How awesome she looks in the costume

  9. I feel you on about 8 of them but #3 is the worst. Ugh. Small talk with neighbors. I'd rather have ice picks jabbed in my eyeballs. I am "lucky" Griffin doesn't eat candy so I get all of his loot. Yay diabetes.

  10. Audrey definitely got a raw deal in the Downers Grove Costume Parade last year. I still have an unresolved dispute on file with the village.

    @Tammy: I was thinking of you with #5...where do people get that all nurses are horndogs? I've spent alot of time in hospitals recently and they could not look less up for it.

    And speaking of #5, is that one of the one's that you're not feeling @Big Daddy?

  11. Yup. I kinda enjoy the time, effort, and creativity that goes into those trampy outfits. It almost makes Halloween parties tolerable. Almost. Btw, five or six years ago Griffin went as a fireman. The costume was so heavy and it was so hot (we live in the South) that he got heat stroke by the second house and puked into his fireman helmet. Good times.

  12. Well, it looks like your Halloween is only haunted every other year. I'm thinking 2010 is going to be great :)

  13. 1. she should have won every damn contest out there for that cupcake costume.

    2. i did a post last year (I think?)about the sexy costume chicks and how I loathe them - also people who talk in character all night. arrrh.

    3. my number one pet peeve is that there is very few types of candy that don't have peanuts or processed with peanuts. (m. has a peanut allergy)

    great post, per usual.

  14. Yes! This is my favorite pic of Audrey. I love seeing it!!
    The bird is going to be the cat in the hat this year. I hope her current obsession with the book, tv show, computer games lasts through the end of the month.

    I always have to buy gfcf candies and swap them out as soon as possible. Then, yes, I binge on the good stuff. Sucker!!!

  15. Mine walked right into someone's house once...right up the steps into their kitchen. To this day we have no idea why, and my husband was standing right there with him. My son was about 2 at the time.

    Yeah, Halloween wasn't and still isn't one of my favorite holidays, if that's what you can call it-a holiday. You're suppose to have fun on a holiday, right?

    It seems that it's the odd number years that she gets herself into trouble. Her next "event" should happen in 2011. You have a whole year to start collecting the bubble wrap.

  16. 1. That cupcake costume is just precious - I can't believe some schmo dressed as a card could win.
    2. I hate when I run out of candy, turn off our light, and yet, stupid kids keep ringing the bell. WE HAVE NO MORE CANDY!
    3. I also hate people who drag their 1 year old out to go trick-or-treating, and then actually expect me to give them candy. Like I don't know who's really going to be eating it...

  17. I hate when a 17 year old comes to my door holding a bag and not wearing a costume. Dude, you just humiliated yourself for plastic spider rings from oriental trade Co.
    And I don't know about anyone else but when I was trick or treating in the 70s, we used to have to work for the candy??? A joke, a song, something?
    These kids today barely get the words trick or treat out!
    Btw, Audrey looks so yummy. Best costume ever!

  18. The Boy seems to think when the door opens he's being invited in. He doesn't understand about staying on this side of the threshold -- he can see in there, they probably have cool stuff, "GO INNNNN!" he says.

    And Audrey is a doll in that costume. The Boy is re-wearing last year's because it's his favorite food in the world....

  19. I hate Halloween because my mom was cheap and made my costumes. Problem was mom couldn't sew and had zero crafting ability. I always had the worse costume. I will not let my child go through that shame.

    That is pretty much the cutest picture ever. Did you make it? If so, I'm jealous.

  20. @j*: Yeah, it's the literal stuff again...we're ringing the doorbell, they answer the door...and we're not going in?

    @Laura: I would like to take credit for it, and I would, except that my sister who did make it might read this. My effort consisted of sending her a link to the $59 Pottery Barn Kids version and telling her to get on it.

  21. WHERE do I get a Strawberry Slutcake costume?!

    I'm going to try to get Billy into the astronaut costume that he refused to wear last year. #1 Thing I hate about Halloween: It was so freakin' hot in FL on Oct. 31 last year that the scantily clad Strawberry Slutcake was about the only character not sweatin' her ta-tas off.

    If it doesn't cool off, poor Willow is going to be miserable in her Alien-From-Toy-Story costume. But by God, I'm getting ONE cute picture this Halloween!

    Speaking of cute pictures, Audrey is ADORABLE in that cupcake costume :-) No way she wasn't robbed. Who do I write a letter to?

  22. @Amanda: We have the opposite problem here in the Midwest...fear of the lousy cold and rainy Halloween because who wants to wear a coat over their darling costume?

    And yeah, you can look forward to my Halloween photos of Audrey looking miserable in whatever I've forced her to wear. It took me about 10,000 shots to get that one above and I think I had to fart to get her to smile.

  23. Great ideas. I am the opaque cup person with the non-neurotypical kid. Here's the trick. I have 2 babysitters who have IEPs. They hate Halloween with their friends (too much pressure to be slutty Strawberry Shortcake) and volunteer to help walk my kids up to the door. Win, win, win.
    I hate the in spite of massive peanutbutter allergies, every big pack of candy is mixed with Snickers, Reeses or something else verboten.
    We rock Skittles ALL DAY LONG.

  24. again laughing so hard I am crying.

    we have had awful halloweens too. My son was expelled from school on halloween last year. the principal called right before we went out trick or treating and broke the news.

  25. I'm losing my shit at the laptop picture. Holy mother of god, that's funny.

    I don't get parents who let their kids just walk up to the door. I'm smothering though, when it comes to that sort of thing. But my kids are still little, so, yeah.

  26. im SO with you on that list... and the cupcake costume? that is ADORABLE!

  27. Everyone agrees that the cupcake costume was cute and your daughter got a raw deal. I'm wondering...What kind of costume are you going to dress Audrey in if she's gotta wear bubble wrap? I hope you'll post pics and show us your creativity!

  28. My pet-peeves are:
    1. Yes she's a girl but why can't she be Darth Vader. My daughter who has autism loves Star Wars.
    2. I want to walk with these kids, no these kids and we circle a two block radius for the first hour.
    3. People who don't have candy. Do you know how much courage it takes my child to ring your doorbell or knock on the door. Have some candy people!

  29. So amazing that they don't have better adult costumes. I was in shock last year at Target. Was debating buying one for a man but wasn't sure I wanted to go as a gorilla...

    Stopping in from Blog Frog.

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