Sunday, November 7, 2010

Top 10 Thanksgiving Pet Peeves


Since they unveiled the Christmas windows and lit the tree downtown yesterday, I guess it's not too early for my Thanksgiving pet peeves:

10)  That by the end of the weekend I'm getting "It's not too late!  Last chance!" Christmas catalogs when I haven't even started my shopping.

9)  As much as we've tried, we cannot convince Audrey that it's fun to watch 12 hours of football per day.

8)  Brussels sprouts.

7)  That Audrey's entire team of therapists participate in the Black Friday shopping orgy so that I have no one to do a session on that ever-so-boring day.  We usually end up getting our Christmas tree.  Which is usually dead-as-a-doornail by around the 10th.

6)  That my state ranks 2nd in the union for Thanksgiving house fires caused by turkey deep-fryers.  We're gonna do our part to try to overtake the top spot this year.  We're #1!  We're #1!  Wait.  Where's Grandma?

5)  That every year Audrey convinces herself that she loves pumpkin pie and foams at the mouth for it weeks ahead of time, and then when she finally gets it remembers that she hates pumpkin pie.

4)  That the route for my town's annual 10K "Turkey Trot" goes right past my house, and I have to watch all those smug bastards run by as I dig around for my biggest elastic-waisted fatty pants.

3)  That my family's annual game of touch football, with our whole extended clan laughing, ass-slapping, high-fiving, and romping through the crunchy leaves in the backyard of our Kennedyesque compound is a tryptophan-induced hallucination and that we actually spend it farting, picking our teeth, and making sure that Grandma's diaper hasn't slipped out of place.

2)  Getting texts from Lauren at 3:00am asking me if I want a half-price Snuggie. Does she really think I'm up at that hour? Does she really have to ask?  Hells yeah!

I'll let Audrey provide the #1 Thanksgiving Pet Peeve...or at least what I imagine it would be:

1)  No Thanksgiving carols.  Hence, no barking-dog or purring-kitty versions of them.

24 comments:

  1. "Turkey deep-fryers"? Are you serious?

    ReplyDelete
  2. We don't celebrate Thanksgiving but isn't it only about two weeks away? Oh, oh dear, that means I only have 6 weeks to Christmas *shrieks*

    ReplyDelete
  3. @lebelinoz: You're not from this country are you?

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm with Audrey on #5. I do the same thing. Every. Year.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Please tell me you will not turn down a half priced Snuggie.

    But.... WTF is that yellow M&M doing to that red M&M ?????

    ReplyDelete
  6. I would take full advantage of #4 as an opportunity to teach Audrey how to use a sling shot or bb gun. Never too young to lash out at health nuts.

    ReplyDelete
  7. nice list. I hate brussel sprouts, too.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have something I hope you'll like about Thanksgiving! I'm going to be in St. Charles, IL from Tuesday until Saturday of Thanksgiving week!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Teach Audrey "Over the River and Through the Woods" - to take her mind off pumpkin pie.
    (Trying to be helpful.) Barbara

    ReplyDelete
  10. I love #4 best - it just seems beyond wrong to me. Why would anyone in their right mind exercise on the day where the whole point is to gorge yourself sick on food and then watch football on the couch (not playing it as my in-laws love to do) until you fall asleep from all the turkey/gravy/extra stuffing/mashed potatoes/sweet potatoes/ (note: there are no Brussels sprouts listed).
    I'm so thankful we're not traveling this year so I can laze around in my pajamas all day.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hysterical!!!! My faves are #3 and #4! :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. #6 is so true. My husband and his brothers once caught our backyard on fire (temporarily) while deep-frying a turkey. Mixing precipitation (of any kind), fire, and a giant vatt of boiling cooking oil is just not smart. That tender on the inside and crispy on the outside turkey was almost not worth it.

    We always travel at Thanksgiving and my pet peeve is that someone would buy a seat on a Southwest flight, during the Thanksgiving holiday, and NOT expect my kid to kick the back of their seat for 4 hours?!

    ReplyDelete
  13. LOL that was soooo funny and yeah I am with Jillsmo - what are those M& M's doing ?

    ReplyDelete
  14. The photo loaded for me very slowly, but I want you to know that when it finally did, I snorted Crystal Lite through my nose. GREAT Thanksgiving image.

    We were in WalMart yesterday grocery shopping, getting haircuts and having our car serviced (the reason we go to Walmart: fewer car trips) and Billy said, "I see a Christmas tree ... and the Great Pumpkin!" Indeed. It's CRAZY how early the Xmas decorating starts.

    ReplyDelete
  15. @Aimee: You could make a whole separate top 10 pet peeves list just about traveling over Thanksgiving. Ugh. You're right...why would anyone assume that it would anything other than hell on earth?

    Glad everyone enjoyed the photo of Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade mishap #321!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Love.

    Al's family always deep fries a turkey.

    I've never gone Black Friday shopping. The day after Turkey day, I don't get dressed. I drag the Christmas decorations and tree down from the attic and decorate the crap out of the house.

    I start drinking early.

    ReplyDelete
  17. stumbling your post... but this was hilarious. never done a deep fryer turkey. but i have gone shopping on black friday.

    getting texts at 3am??? um, that's why i turn my phone off. but at least you can get your shopping done without getting out of bed!

    ReplyDelete
  18. hilarious! I wish you had submitted this for my Thanksgiving blog contest!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Holy crap! I thought my kids were the only ones who went on and on about their love for pumpkin pie-only to remember that they aren't even going to taste it because it "looks weird"..Every year it is the same thing. I think it is some sort of residual hallucinogenic affect given off by Halloween pumpkins....

    ReplyDelete
  20. My brother will be one of those smug bastards running past your house. The idiot with the mohawk and no shirt. That'll be him.

    Black Friday makes me stabby so instead I'm taking the kiddo to Brookfield Zoo. Instead of saving money I'll be going broke on overprices stuffed elephants.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Loved this list!!

    I always think I like pumpkin pie too!!! I want to like it, but alas, it is gross each and every time. It's just an excuse for me to eat Cool Whip. Lots and lots of Cool Whip!!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. LMBO -

    2) Getting texts from Lauren at 3:00am asking me if I want a half-price Snuggie. Does she really think I'm up at that hour? Does she really have to ask? Hells yeah!

    ReplyDelete