Since they unveiled the Christmas windows and lit the tree downtown yesterday, I guess it's not too early for my Thanksgiving pet peeves:
10) That by the end of the weekend I'm getting "It's not too late! Last chance!" Christmas catalogs when I haven't even started my shopping.
9) As much as we've tried, we cannot convince Audrey that it's fun to watch 12 hours of football per day.
8) Brussels sprouts.
7) That Audrey's entire team of therapists participate in the Black Friday shopping orgy so that I have no one to do a session on that ever-so-boring day. We usually end up getting our Christmas tree. Which is usually dead-as-a-doornail by around the 10th.
6) That my state ranks 2nd in the union for Thanksgiving house fires caused by turkey deep-fryers. We're gonna do our part to try to overtake the top spot this year. We're #1! We're #1! Wait. Where's Grandma?
5) That every year Audrey convinces herself that she loves pumpkin pie and foams at the mouth for it weeks ahead of time, and then when she finally gets it remembers that she hates pumpkin pie.
4) That the route for my town's annual 10K "Turkey Trot" goes right past my house, and I have to watch all those smug bastards run by as I dig around for my biggest elastic-waisted fatty pants.
3) That my family's annual game of touch football, with our whole extended clan laughing, ass-slapping, high-fiving, and romping through the crunchy leaves in the backyard of our Kennedyesque compound is a tryptophan-induced hallucination and that we actually spend it farting, picking our teeth, and making sure that Grandma's diaper hasn't slipped out of place.
2) Getting texts from Lauren at 3:00am asking me if I want a half-price Snuggie. Does she really think I'm up at that hour? Does she really have to ask? Hells yeah!
I'll let Audrey provide the #1 Thanksgiving Pet Peeve...or at least what I imagine it would be:
1) No Thanksgiving carols. Hence, no barking-dog or purring-kitty versions of them.