Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Ghosts of Christmases Past: 2003 and 2004 Editions

Over the next few weeks I'm going to be taking a walk down memory lane through some of the more eventful Christmases of my life.  With the exception of the 2003 edition, I will be posting the actual picture that was our Christmas card.  I'm also including the annual Christmas form letter as it should have been written for each year.  I don't actually include an annual letter in my Christmas cards, but I absolutely love getting them.  I'm certainly not the first to think of spoofing them, but for me that idea never gets old.

Christmas 2003

Big news…we’re pregnant!  I actually conceived on my 40th birthday during our fantastic vacation in Alaska.  TMI?  Too bad!  We are over the moon!  Had the amnio already and got the great news just before Thanksgiving that we are having a healthy baby girl!  Who said that the odds are virtually 100% for Downs syndrome if you wait until you’re 40?  We are on our way, and nothing will go wrong for us EVER! 

The baby is due in April.  I’m so lucky to be pregnant during the winter…who wants to be as big as a house during those sweltering summer months!  I suppose there are more flues and such going around during the winter, but thankfully I’m covered.  Even though there was a scary shortage of flu shots this year, pregnant women were put at the head of the line and I was soooooo lucky to get one! 

What a year!  Alaska was fabulous!  We ate delicious seafood for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every single day for 12 straight days.  We could not get enough of those bottom-feeding halibut!  I ordered mine with extra mercury…mmmmmm, my mouth is intensely sensitive to hot and cold just thinking about it. 

I hope this finds you as happy as we are this holiday season.  I can’t believe that by this time next year, we will have a baby crawling all over the house and getting into who knows what!  Can’t wait!


Christmas 2004

Audrey is 8 months old now.  She’s sitting up like a champ, but not yet crawling.  We’re sure she’ll be off and running soon and we’ll long for the day when she was completely immobile!  It could be that the nearly constant ear infections that she’s had for the past three months have her feeling a little sluggish.  If it’s not the stabbing pain in her ears, then it’s the dangerously high fever.  If it’s not the fever, then it’s the nasty side effects from the antibiotics…hello, constant diarrhea!  It’s always something around here!

After taking five months of maternity leave, Lynn returned to work in September.  Audrey is in a very highly recommended daycare center.  She made it through a whole month before her first ear infection, but she sure is making up for lost time now!  On the bright side, she’s only had pink-eye once.  And then there was that other little mix-up where she was accidentally fed another mother’s breast milk…oops!  Oh well, one court-ordered HIV test later, and all was well! 

We are off to Colorado to visit Steve’s family for the holidays.  It will be the first time that Grandma and Grandpa have seen her since just after she was born.  I’m sure that they will be amazed at how her personality has developed!  Her mood runs the gamut from fever-induced haze to drug-induced stupor…what a little character!  

Not sure that we can top this one, but I have a feeling that next year will be the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!!

30 comments:

  1. The 2004 photo is adorable! (OK, preggo-Lynn was adorable too, but there's something about a wide-eyed kid among the presents...)

    Reminds me that I have yet to write our this-year's form letter. Hmm.

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  2. Excellent choice of spoof-line theme!

    Your re-writes are inspiring depictions of hope and change. Or of change with enduring hope. Whichever.

    Barbara

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  3. hilarious. Even though your pic is very small, I can tell that you were super duper cute all pregnant and shit!

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  4. Awesome idea for a post! Hindsight and all that.

    I always get so excited when we finally get THAT Christmas letter from THAT family. We all look forward to the annual reading and dramatic interpretation of the brag-fest. We might be terrible people for making fun. It's a possibility.

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  5. @Ashley: I will be joining you in hell for mocking the form letters that we get. Love it! We also get a seriously awesome and highly anticipated one from a gay couple set to the song "Anything Goes". You can't just read that one...you GOTTA sing it!

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  6. I did a spoof on a Christmas newsletter last month. I love the "over glorified" ones, where everyone in the family is just doing spiffy! Yours is more like it, reality at it's best.

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  7. Was thinking about doing a spoof, but couldn't top this shit here.

    Hysterical!

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  8. Oh LOL, every year we have a few people who send us the dreaded Christmas letters. Theirs are so boring, mostly just pages of accolades. Too bad they weren't like yours - hilarious! And Audrey's 1st Christmas picture is WAY too cute! I love her outfit; it reminds me a lot of what we dressed Georgia in last year.

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  9. Love the fore-shadowing in these letters. I'm anxiously waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm thinking the 2006 letter is going to be fabulous.

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  10. What a gorgeous pregnant lady you were! So jealous. I was pregnant from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. My EARS were fat. There are no pictures (that see the light of day).

    Hilarious Christmas letter. But so much of what you spoofed and the fake jollity hit so close to home that it was hard for me to laugh. I hope you know what I mean...

    I mean, we do plenty of laughing NOW. But I almost cringe at how naive I used to be -- that same naivete that you spoof so accurately in your post. Like Downs is the only thing to worry about. Like early warning signs are just self-contained events. Like extended family is going to focus only on the positive.

    Argh. (Insert here the sound of someone singing "It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas" in a distinctly minor key.)

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  11. Okay, the first one to your pregnant self rings so true, I still think of the fillings I had done and all the tuna fish I ate, ugh! Can't wait to read 2005-2009!

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  12. Lynn:

    You looked great pregnant! I love this post--very funny idea!

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  13. Love the picture of you in 2003. Just wish you would have used one of you when you were actually pregnant instead the "before" shot posted above.

    Btw, I love getting those Christmas Letters. Especially from my less literate relatives.

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  14. Can't believe you're torturing yourself this week for our amusement. What a team player. I'd do the same for you.

    Great pix as usual! (What were u 25?)

    After reviewing the details of your pregnancy and her early months, I'm convinced strange moms breast milk gave Audrey Autism. Also, ew.

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  15. Need the whole breast milk story. I'm especially curious because I work in a child care center and can't imagine how this could happen and how you were told.

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  16. @Amanda: I so know what you mean.

    @BigDaddy: I hope you didn't lose too much nap time coming up with that zinger. Pot meet kettle.

    @jillsmo: Old Navy maternity. I still wear them.

    @Kristin: In between being horrified, I was amazed that I was told at all. They could have so easily covered it up. There seemed to be a strict protocol in place which made me wonder how often it happened.

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  17. You were a very cute preggo. I have a cousin who writes Christmas letters similar to your 2004 one. She is very serious about telling everyone her family's medical history. It's a Merry Medical Christmas letter and it skieves me out every year.


    I think I would have beat the hell out of that day care provider. I shudder at the thought.

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  18. Oh man! You are making us wait to read 2005- 2009? That sucks. I wanted to read more:)

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  19. these posts made me laugh out loud. more, more, more!!!

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  20. Ah, the joys of the season. Thankfully we Jews don't do Hanukkah letters. I can only imagine what that would be like. Oy.

    You have read the David Sedaris christmas letter, right? If not, you must.

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  21. I LOVE it! You think people would like to hear how my son has only been hitting and kicking rather than overturning desks like he did in the spring??

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  22. Yea! You had a baby at 40! I'm 39 and lost my fifth baby a few weeks ago at 12 weeks. We really wanted one more. It gives me hope! Merry Christmas!

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  23. @Trish: That would make a great brag line in your annual letter...we could totally counter all of the typical kids accomplishments (sports trophies, science fair ribbons, etc.) with ones like that for our kids. "Audrey graduated from Baby Einstein videos for 3mos olds to Little Einsteins for 2 yr olds!"

    @laughwithus: So sorry about your loss. You definitely are alot more fertile than I was and I'm sure still have plenty of time!

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  24. So funny!! You're family wolf have to have a great sense of humor if you were to send out those letters. Lol

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  25. Aww, what a cute pregnancy pic! Ummm the breastmilk screw up, you must share in a post. That's scary, but at least it all worked out.

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  26. this is sooo sooo funny. Please tell me you are joking about still wearing maternity pants. lol.

    but i love you preggo! cute!

    The breastmilk scare? OH MY GOSH! I am betting that mom didn't think it too funny to get a hiv test.

    I can't wait to hear what's next.

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  27. I'm riveted and can't wait to hear what's next!

    Have you seen the community brag page over at A Diary of a Mom? It's a page created for "brags" from our community since not everyone would understand my excitement that my 7 year old just began asking why questiosn for the first time, ya know? Check it out if you are so inclined. ;-)

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  28. @PieMaker: Thanks for the tip! I thought I'd seen every autism blog known to man, but I've never heard of that one. Love the brag page...added our "kiss" accomplishment to the list.

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  29. Seems like a no-win situation. I hate the bragging letters of the perfect kids and perfect life when we know that doesn't exist anywhere. I sent realistic letters speaking of travels, deaths, job changes - actual life - and have been dropped from most Christmas Card Lists! Having known you for 24 years, I lived through all of this with you and am thrilled to finally get your Christmas Letters! You rock Lynn!

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