Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Ghosts of Christmases Past: 2008

Dear fucktards:
I tried to be nice last year, but everyone said that they missed the crazy so here goes.  If anyone unfollows me, I will hunt you down, kill your dog, and use his severed head as a Christmas ornament.

I couldn't be bothered with a picture this year, as I still haven't regained full control of my left eyelid after last year's JC Penney portrait sitting.  So check out these craptastic candids of my kid:



Yeah, those suck hard.  How wrong would it be to use a picture of a kid that isn't mine in my Christmas card?  Cuz I got a great shot of my niece showing off her new holiday mittens...


Each finger had a different holiday character on it, and it only took 20 minutes of coercion to get her to show me just the Santa finger.  What?  Santa is my favorite!

That bird she's flipping is for all of you turds that continue to send me your annual dry hump manifestos Christmas form letters.  I know for a fact that all of your lives cannot be that perfect, and you know it too. I'm sick of hearing nothing but the good stuff -- I want to hear about the greasy underbelly of your lives.

I'll make it easy on you.  I've provided a handy multiple choice format at the bottom of this letter that you can tear off and send back to me.  You can even keep it anonymous.  Just give a girl the best Christmas present she could ever get...

Mom:
a)  Is a bundle full of seething resentment wrapped in lost dreams and Merona sweatpants.
b)  Tipped the Toledo at a deuce for the first time ever...easy on the nog there, Lard Ass!
c)  Invented a cocktail of Nyquil, Tylenol PM, gin, and juice that she drinks nightly.  It's called the Sleepy Stepmom because after drinking it she staggers around slurring "Where in the fuck did all these kids come from?"

Dad:
a)  Lost his six-figure job and now just sits around watching internet porn.
b  Was caught trying to squeeze into little Maddie's princess costume.
c)  Gave Mom a mean case of genital warts.

Jacob and Madison:
a)  Are of completely average intelligence.
b)  Have little-to-no athletic ability.
c)  Both of the above.

Our family wishes you:
a)  Happy Holidays!
b)  Merry Christmas!
c)  Would blow it out your ass.

16 comments:

  1. Aahhh. It's nice to have the real Lynn back again this year. '07 was a bit creepy.

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  2. OMG, this may be the funniest thing I have ever read! Come on everyone - let's start a letter writing campaign Jon Stewart. You could sooooo write for The Daily Show. Of course you'd have to bone up on politics, which is not nearly as interesting as autism....but it would pay the bills........

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  3. Blow it out your ass!!!

    I should have had that printed on my cards.

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  4. Thank you for this. If this nasty virus I have ends up killing me, at least I'll go out laughing.

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  5. I prefer creepy 2007 Lynn. From the safe vantage point of another hemisphere, it was fun to see a ticking timebomb trying to pass for normal.

    Having said this, I do love it when a Christmas letter starts with "Dear fucktards".

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  6. You are right on about Christmas letters. I hate them too, for that very reason. No family is THAT wonderful. I'd love to get a Christmas letter that says something along the lines of... "had to bail my son out of jail in July" or "my daughter's a cheerleader and a slut". Just keep it real is all I'm sayin'.

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  7. I fucking love that you chose the names Jacob and Madison!!! But shouldn't the girl's name have been spelled Madysyn or something super fucking alternative like that?

    Merry Christmas, mother fuckers!

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  8. Hey, that's got potential! Beats the boring form letter. Everyone loves multiple choice!

    Perfect lives...my ass! Send them over to my blog and the Christmas letter I wrote up. "Be Sure To Drink Your Olvatine".

    HO HO fucking HO.

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  9. I'm gonna unfollow just to see if you make good on your threats. Oh, but I don't have a dog. Well it seemed like a good plan.

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  10. Hahahaha... it's like your niece is saying, "FU Santa!"
    I love the 2nd picture of Audrey - it's like she's seeing something out of the corner of her eye, like a ginormous cupcake that she could eat if only she didn't have to pose for your picture. It's nice to see you're back to your sarcastic, hilarious self.

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  11. Thanks! Thia makes my holiday cards much easier to do!

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  12. Just discovered you after reading all the form Christmas letters from friends today and then throwing it out with shockingly little guilt this year. What you said must be why: "I'm sick of hearing nothing but the good stuff -- I want to hear about the greasy underbelly of your lives." Like you, I'm an unwilling draftee, but to the bipolar, ADHD and attachment disorder army. I'd love to have you come weigh in for the survey I'm doing right now. Your perspective would be so great to include - especially given option 1 under "Mom" :).

    Here's the link - http://livingpower.blogspot.com/p/share-your-story-in-my-new-book.html

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  13. I got unfollowed for swearing too. Frankly, I don't want to be friend with someone who doesn't swear.

    I think being able to corrupt our siblings spawn is the best part of the Aunt gig.

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  14. I vote that for one year, everyone tells the TRUTH in their Christmas letters. You know: "Greetings from the Jones family. John and Jane are very happy to announce that have made it through another year without killing off any of their offspring. (We don't mention the jumping off the roof incident anymore.)"

    It would be so much better and more fun to read!

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  15. @AMR: This blog hasn't qualified me for more than a $26.57 BlogHer check let alone a writing gig on the Daily Show! From your lips to God's ear, as they say...thanks for your vote of confidence!!

    @ryoko861: Who you calling a ho?

    @Laura: That picture of my niece is 2 years old and my brother still doesn't know that I took it. This will be my test of whether or not he reads my blog...phone hasn't rung yet.

    @MisfitMommy: I agree...we need to start campaigning now for next year!

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