I tried to be nice last year, but everyone said that they missed the crazy so here goes. If anyone unfollows me, I will hunt you down, kill your dog, and use his severed head as a Christmas ornament.
I couldn't be bothered with a picture this year, as I still haven't regained full control of my left eyelid after last year's JC Penney portrait sitting. So check out these craptastic candids of my kid:
Yeah, those suck hard. How wrong would it be to use a picture of a kid that isn't mine in my Christmas card? Cuz I got a great shot of my niece showing off her new holiday mittens...
Each finger had a different holiday character on it, and it only took 20 minutes of coercion to get her to show me just the Santa finger. What? Santa is my favorite!
That bird she's flipping is for all of you turds that continue to send me your annual
I'll make it easy on you. I've provided a handy multiple choice format at the bottom of this letter that you can tear off and send back to me. You can even keep it anonymous. Just give a girl the best Christmas present she could ever get...
a) Is a bundle full of seething resentment wrapped in lost dreams and Merona sweatpants.
b) Tipped the Toledo at a deuce for the first time ever...easy on the nog there, Lard Ass!
c) Invented a cocktail of Nyquil, Tylenol PM, gin, and juice that she drinks nightly. It's called the Sleepy Stepmom because after drinking it she staggers around slurring "Where in the fuck did all these kids come from?"
a) Lost his six-figure job and now just sits around watching internet porn.
b Was caught trying to squeeze into little Maddie's princess costume.
c) Gave Mom a mean case of genital warts.
Jacob and Madison:
a) Are of completely average intelligence.
b) Have little-to-no athletic ability.
c) Both of the above.
Our family wishes you:
a) Happy Holidays!
b) Merry Christmas!
c) Would blow it out your ass.