Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Party's Over When the Cat Lady Sings

The marvelous and beloved Lauren invited us to her family's annual Christmas party over the holidays.  Audrey was thrilled to be going...I tried building up the excitement based on her seeing all of Lauren's cute nieces and nephews, but she was mostly jazzed to see her kitties.

As I've written many times before, Audrey loves those dang cats.  She is always all over them:  hugging and squeezing them, picking them up and dragging them around, petting them and pulling on their tails.  They don't seem to mind.  I've always trusted that Lauren would stop Audrey from going too far, or that the cats would run away if they didn't like it.

As expected, Audrey spent most of the party loving up the cats in between taking bites out of cookies and putting them back.  As it was getting about time for us to go, I gave Audrey the 5-minute warning.  She got her last (literal) licks in with Whiskers while I gathered our things.  I got my purse and pulled out my iPhone, as I do thousands of times a day...checking my messages to see if a big-time publisher had offered me a book deal and Twitter to see if Big Daddy was sullying my good name.  One of those two things happens quite frequently.

Not actual friends of Lauren's family,
but the sweater on the left looks awfully familiar.
Anyway, as I look up, I see a woman right up in Audrey's grill, pointing her finger at her and giving her what-for. "I see what you're doing.  I've been watching you.  You're choking that cat!  How would you like it if someone did that to you?  You're hurting her!"  I was across the room and frozen to the spot.  I didn't want to get into it with her because I had no idea who she was or how close of a friend or relation she was to the family.  And just I was contemplating this, she says "Where is your mother?!?!"  Oh shit.  Definitely not right over here covered in powdered sugar and guacamole.

And then I did what I'd like to think any good mother would do in that situation...I pretended that I'd never seen the child before, skulked away to the foyer, and prepared to hightail it out of there.  As I was pulling on my coat and boots, I overheard an awesome re-creation of "Who's on first?" with Audrey yelling "I'M MAD!" -- meaning "she's mad" -- and the woman yelling back "I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE MAD!  I'M MAD!"  Hee.

In the meantime, Lauren came to the rescue and broke up the altercation, so unfortunately I still had to take Audrey home with me.  Turns out the woman is an avid cat enthusiast who signs her Christmas cards with her cats' names and wears not just Christmas sweaters, but cat Christmas sweaters.

**COMMENT RED ALERT**  No going off on this woman, as she is a friend of Lauren's family.  Lauren is the only thing that stands between me and the booby hatch, and her family is the nicest, most supportive bunch of people that you could ever hope to meet.  More members of her family read this blog than my own family does.  They felt really bad about what happened, and anyway the following week her father came and plowed my driveway after a snowstorm and I would gladly let all their friends line up around the block to bawl Audrey out if it meant getting my snow plowed and I am a great mother the end.

36 comments:

  1. Oh, man, you go to the best parties. SO jealous.

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  2. OMGosh ... you just reminded me of a time when I disowned my child because of a woman who scared me .... see it in a blogpost sometime soon and I will SO give you credit for it :)

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  3. heehee! I'M MAD!! lady had no idea who she was talkin' too. now she does.

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  4. A party with a built in therapist WOW.

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  5. Lynn, Lynn, Lynn... My friend you made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants...

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  6. I've been waiting to see this on your blog!! You wrote it up well, Lynn, as I knew you would! Danny and I had a good laugh reading this!

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  7. I cannot stop laughing when I picture the whole scene. Too bad you didn't get the video footage on your phone. Would Audrey have been entertained at watching herself "get what-for?" he he.

    Also, someone needs to remind cat-lovers(with all due respect, yes I read the alert!) that cats don't need human advocates. They're "better than us," remember?!

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  8. You and Audrey are kinda awesome and need a reality show. For reals.

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  9. I also pretend I'm not the parents whenever I realise G&R are pissing off some nobody in the local shops. The wife, however, bends over backwards apologising. At which point, I pretend I'm not the husband, either.

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  10. I feel bad that the crazy cat lady yelled at Audrey like that. Bitch!

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  11. Hahahahaha! I'm with Aimee, would she have enjoyed watching herself get berated by the cat enthusiast? How are Lauren's cats surviving?

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  12. Sounds to me like Audrey can handle herself pretty well! XXX

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  13. There is so much to comment on here, I don't know where to start.

    1. Your name sulliess itself on twitter. I just report the facts.

    2. I think Audrey handled the situation perfectly from the choking to the use of an Abbot & Costello routine to deflect blame. You - not so much.

    3. Nice side ponytail in the photo. You definitely married out of your league.

    4. With a Comment Red Alert like that, I was sooo tempted to ruin what sems like the only real life friendship you have but then I remembered my resolutions for the new year. Consider my "be nicer to Lynn" resolve to be officially completed.

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  14. I remember times like these; cringe-worthy moments. Like the time when my son slugged the family doctor, or when he choked a little girl, and people said I was not a good mother...although he is grown, there are still those moments...but I wouldn't trade him for the world.

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  15. well, we know that Audrey wasn't hurting the cat because it wasn't hurting her or trying to get away. Some people - OH this is HARD not to bash that woman! lol

    I think Audrey can handle herself when her mom is across the room. :) Go Audrey!

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  16. OMG! I just relived repeated incidence of the mad-face Bud stomping toward me yelling "M-O-O-O-M!!!" at the top of her lungs because of some [do not flame the cat-lady] person getting in her face about some [do not flame the cat lady] thing. 'Course, I also just laughed so hard I cried. Believe me, Audrey is a champ compared to what mine was in such a situation. ;o)

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  17. Okay, so I own four cats and I love the critters but some cat people take it too far. This isn't a flame, it's just the truth. The way it breaks down in our family is one of our cats adores our son, one tolerates him, one stays twenty feet away from him at all times and one we have to watch because he's an evil old bastard and will shiskebab our kid if given half a chance. Cats know how to look out for themselves, they really do. As long as the kid isn't chasing down or cornering the cat, it's all good.

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  18. Okay, I just have to say that I loved the last line so much! I'm pretty sure I have a list somewhere of things I'd take in exchange for bawling out my kids. And I would definitely like tips on where you buy Christmas cat sweaters.

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  19. Don't we all have those moments? I hide on a pretty regular basis. And every time I do, I say, "No more hiding!" Especially b/c one of the kids always rats me out for hiding. Then one of them does something else that makes go, 'Really? Am I raising you in a barn?' And I duck away. And yeah, I think Audrey can totally handle herself!!

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  20. @jillsmo: Sadly, that was the only party that we were invited to this year. Wonder why?

    @ByWordOfMouth: I look forward to reading your post...glad I'm not alone!

    @Kerry: I didn't dare pull the autism card...thought that would get me further in the doghouse for not supervising her every move.

    @mamafog: I know right? As far as I was concerned, I was off duty!

    @Erin: Hee hee...I know you would never disown Zach.

    @Mindi: I need to credit you for alerting me to the cat Christmas sweater.

    @Aimee @cooperl788: Funny that Audrey wasn't laughing this time around. I guess it's only hilarious when it's someone ELSE getting in trouble. As far as I know, the cats survived.

    @Jen: Everyone else has one, why not us?!

    @Jean @AmyLK: We've worked long and hard on those "emotion" flashcards, so if nothing else Audrey can identify a "mad face".

    @Anonymous: I'm sure that the doctor and the little girl had it coming.

    @Wendy: Yeah, it would have sorta foiled my plans had Audrey come running to "Mom".

    @Anonymom: I don't know squat about cats, but that's always what I thought. Aren't they notorious for not putting up with any shit? Lauren told me that the cat was happily purring away when she took it from Audrey. I suppose it never occurred to Cat Lady that some like it rough. Whiskers is kind of a tramp that way.

    @Ashley: You'd be surprised how many cat Christmas sweaters came up when I googled it!

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  21. Ouch! A response to everyone but me and Alain? Well done, woman, well done. A bit passive aggressive for my taste, but well played nonetheless. I'm hitting Twitter now for some major league sullying.

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  22. hehehe, sounds like Audrey gave as good as she got :D Jen

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  23. Ah, the neighbors were always yelling at my kids, I even had one neighbor put my son in time out! LMAO! Are you kidding me? Then another basically said to my son (same one) what a lousy mom I was not having him wear a helmet while riding a bike. Hey, he's my kid, I'll raise him the way I want. I hated that woman any way.

    I think she could have been more diplomatic with Audrey. I hate, even at MY age, ANYONE waving their finger in my face. Rude, just rude.
    If the cat was in despair, he would have let Audrey know with a swift swipe of the claw to the face.

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  24. I LOVE how through confusion of pronouns, Audrey gave as good at she got!! And bonus points for going with mad instead of my vote of crazy! I would have been laughing hysterically as I watched from across the room and prayed the kid did not rat me out! Cat's come with their own self defense system that is highly sophisticated, they don't need adult supervision. Now people who wear cat christmas sweaters....

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  25. Your girl tells it like it is. There are many situations in life where I bit my tongue and didn't call people on the way they were behaving. We'd all feel so much better in life if we just said it like we sees it. Have I mentioned lately that your daughter *rocks*?

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  26. You HAVE GOT TO get that book published! Your writing is belly-laughing funny!

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  27. OMG I love you Lynn Hudoba
    u r priceless
    I just quoted you on Hopeful parents

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  28. this quote - just in case you were wondering which one of your priceless gems I was using
    "one of my favorite bloggers Lynn Hudoba once said that the thing that bugged her most about other parents was the assumption that the only reason for the difference between their child and ours was their superior parenting"

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  29. All I can say is I HATE it when other people get in my kids' faces. I don't care what the reason is. Also, reading your readers' comments is almost as entertaining as reading your posts.

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  30. A) I bet the cat deserved it.
    B) I was invited to an ugly sweater party but had nothing to wear and could've really one of those
    C) Finally a post about Lauren! I miss Lauren :)

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  31. PS: lauren if you are reading this, you can bring your cats when you move in with my family and take care of Little Bird!!

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  32. I could see the whole scene in my mind which means u are a really good writer b/c I have NVLD and cannot think in pictures. You cured me! Tell that to the publisher...

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  33. @dluvscoke, @AMR: From your lips to God's ear...thanks for the encouragement!

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  34. Well first off Lynn you know how bad I felt about this incident!
    And second off Whiskers truly likes Audrey and the attention she gives her. Whiskers can hold her own... she once smacked my Grandma in the face.
    I agree with everyone else, go get your book published already you genius!

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  35. I suppose the cat didn't come to Audrey's defense either. I am so not a cat person. Plus, they make my eyes itch.

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  36. Lauren's cats sound nice. My cat is a horrible bitch. She bites me because I look at her funny. Can I have Cat Lady's number? She sounds like the only person who might take the flippin animal of my hands.

    Also the part about being covered the powdered sugar and gucamole made me snarf diet coke all over my shiny new mac. Thanks a lot.

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