Thursday, January 13, 2011

Sh*t My Daughter Says: A Very Special Cussing Edition

After Audrey was born, I was *fairly* successful at scrubbing the f-word and the s-word out of my vocabulary.  Don't ask me why I suddenly cannot spell those words out...I think it's too late for me to worry about being overly crass here.  Stop nodding in agreement, asshats.

Anywhooz, I was so proud of myself for shedding those two words that I allowed myself to let fly with all of the other second-tier swear words.  Most of those have to do with two-thirds of the Holy Trinity.  You know, the G-man and the J-man.  With the exception of some fairly short phases, Audrey has been remarkably good at not repeating these words and expressions.  Unfortunately, we seem to be in one of those phases right now.

Some of her recent outbursts:
"Jesus H.!"
"What the heck!  Oops.  I mean what the hell!"
"Noni likes to say Jesus."
"Damnit is a cat and Dangit is a dog."

That last one almost makes me want to get a cat and a dog.  See, no one could accuse me of swearing in front of my child if I were to say "Damnit, get over here!"

In each case, Audrey knows that she's saying something forbidden and she'll sneak a mischievous look at me and wait for my reaction.  She really has no way of knowing that the words are "bad" other than my reaction to her saying them...or sometimes she just assumes that anything said with a certain pissed-off intonation is "bad".

So she'll say things like "That's just great!" or "The ice is so icy!  The ice is mental!" and sneak that same hee-hee-I'm-naughty look at me when she really hasn't cursed per se.

And then there is the quandary of what I should do, because whatever you say will come back at you over and over again.  So I hear things like "Don't say Jesus H. or I'll spank your dupa!" or the even more incriminating "Only mommies can say that!  That's mommy talk!"  Yeah, that wasn't my best parenting moment.

Which makes her latest observation all the more accurate, "I'm a pain in the mom."


  1. So far....we've had a very G rated vocabulary around here. I'm sure the kids will be swearing with the sailors soon though

  2. I am so guilty of taking Jesus's full name in vain- yet I always say it in french (which is really the same words, just a twist with the accent)- one of the phrases I picked up when I went to Paris as a high school junior and for some reason I always fall back on it when I'm angry.

    Anywho- Corbin let it out the other night while playing a video game, complete with the french accent.

  3. 'Bot has recently become intensely interested in curse words. He calls all"bad words" the s word,and lately, we frequently get asked whether or not certain words are bad. Some of our faves: poo,crap, heck....oh yeah, he waited to ask his grandma if he's allowed to say fuck.

  4. snort! this really makes me wish my kid could talk just so I could hear what swearing concoctions he would come up with. maybe someday I will get a f-bomb out of him.

  5. Since her mom talks like she grew up in the Great Depression, it's only a matter of time until Audrey starts swearing like a flapper in a Jazz Age speakeasy. I'm imagining a pint sized James Cagney.

  6. Nothing like hearing your own kid curse back at you. I let go of the f-bomb in place of saying, "Mother Trucker" when I get mad. This would be fine, except that it still sounds like the original when my lisping toddler repeats me.

  7. I blame Lauren. I bet she curses like a fucking truckdriver!!
    Hi Lauren!

  8. :-) Nice to know this is a pretty universal problem. hee. Must be all our colorful language as such great examples.

  9. We took Nate to a BounceU for a Sensory Bounce t his weekend to celebrate his first week of autism therapy. There were a few other kids there, all of whom were on the spectrum. One sweet girl, who looked to be about eight or nine, seemed to also have Tourettes. She spent the entire hour bouncing, having a wonderful time, and shouting the f-word at the top of her lungs. We were fine with it - we knew it was just something she needed to do. One of the parents there figured it was our first time there and came over to say hi. He said they've been going to BounceU for years and it's the first time that he'd heard cursing, so we shouldn't be too concerned. We explained that Nate is nonverbal. So, if he suddenly adopted the f-word, I'm pretty sure we'd throw him a parade on the spot. I'm with Paul & Kerry - bring on the f-bomb! I'll deal with correcting it later.... ;)

  10. I love that she is taking great pleasure in using what she perceives as bad words to get a fun reaction out of you! You so need to buy her pets! If I get an assistance dog I am going to request Damnit! "Damnit, open the door! Damnit, get the phone! Damnit, stop sniffing that man's..."My niece at the great age of 16 months put her hands on her little hips and grinned back at me after I told her she could not do something and replied "Little Shit!". I told her "Yes, yes you are! And Daddy is in so much trouble!"

  11. Yup! Pretty universal! The dog and cat one reminded me of the Bill Cosby routine when he says, "But Dad! I'm Jesus Christ!"


  12. My 20 month old has started repeating everything I say. When the dog barks she yells "quiet!" and "enough!" So far, that's the worst, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

  13. I have a pain in the mom from laughing so hard.
    So really? "*fairly* successful?"

  14. Love the blasphemy. Reminds me of home: French-Canadians swear using the Holy Trinity, by naming some of the bric-a-brac found in a church (tabernacle, "osti" which means "host", "calisse" which means "chalice")... my own Dad used to invoke whatever saint which happened to rhyme with the first word which came out of his mouth (St Simeon came up a lot for some reason).

    What? Oh, you're blog's great, btw.

  15. Hi! I am new to your blog...and I LOVE you. No, seriously. What a great place to visit and hear from moms who seem to be JUST LIKE ME!

    My husband is the proverbial sailor, but I am the one who does the cursing. Lemme tell ya, I can get really creative. It does give me a slight pause, though, to hear our 4y/o with autism say Jesus Fucking Christ under his breath. Our not quite typical, not quite autistic-y boy (3) keeps it comparatively minor with a simple Damn It!

  16. @Heather: It's much classier in French though.

    @DaniG: You are so right! Why didn't I think of blaming Lauren?

    @Kerry @Nate's Mom: Think of that "baby's first word" scrapbook page.

    @Bethany: Damnit the assistance dog...perfect!

    @Laura: Don't think that I didn't see that comment you removed...potty mouth!

    @Aimee: See how unreasonable it is to expect me to scrub "stupid" out of my vocab?

    @lebelinoz: Yeah, my Italian grandfather used to say every word under the sun after "Dio"...later we learned they were the craziest things...snake, pig, frog.

    @MommaHafer: It's so so hard to stop swearing. I'm guilty of the JFC, which means we're both going straight to hell. Welcome! Thanks for reading and commenting!

  17. My kids have heard it all. Shocking, I know.

    Their favorite bad words are "poop" and "pee pee" for now.

    And the Deaf one? I have such a hard time not laughing when he says;

    "Jesus Crap!!"

  18. Definitely get the cat and dog, you can then pretend she heard the rest of the words elsewhere :D Jen

  19. Can't wait for that "Baby's First Word" page! If it's the f-word, it will be written large on the paper. In glitter.

  20. thanks for reminding me how much i love the word, "asshat." one of my oldest son's first words was the s word, which he repeated after me when i dropped a plate of food on the floor. nice.

  21. I *LOVE* "I'm a pain in the mom." I have a couple of those in my house too.

    FYI, Willow's new favorite program is Audrey making "dip." She actually asks for me to "Play AW-dreeeee!" And then laughs her little a-word off.

    She also seems to think the word "book" starts with an "F." Which made a recent trip to Borders startling for everyone: "THAT f--k! Want THAT f--k! Want f--k! F--------K!!!!!"

  22. So is "Noni" another dirty word slipped in, or is that someone's name?

  23. @Willow: You have excellent taste in the funny.

    @Mommyto2boys: Noni is her foul-mouthed grandmother. Maternal. Like I had to clarify that.

  24. It was bound to happen. If she doesn't hear it from you, she'll hear it at school. You've done your best. Now it'll be interesting to hear how the other moms do with their kids when Audrey comes home with a whole new vocabulary of curse words.

    Audrey: Son of a beachnut.
    you: Audrey! Where did you hear that?
    Audrey: Joey at school. He says his mom says that every morning when she can't get him up for school.

    Your next years will be interesting.

  25. My ex was a sailor. Piper knows all the words and when to use them!
    PS She named our back yard chickens Your Mom and Your Sister. Never. Gets. Old.

  26. Same swearing, mischief look here,so un Austic like,really. Last year, we had racial slurs, courtesy of wikipedia , he knew enough to only use the less obvious ones in public, like apple

  27. The 'dammit is a dog' and 'dangit is a cat' one is tooo funny!! Since you don't have pets, it's even better!! How in the world did they come about??

  28. I don't even say "what the he**?" So imagine my surprise when Audrey said it two times during one two hour session (appropriately)!!

    Hi Dani G!

  29. LOL! After teaching middle schoolers for many years, I've learned to swear silently so that I can keep my job. My New Yorker husband, however, is more colorful in his language. Alex once observed, "Daddy's bad words are s**t and f**k, and Mommy's bad words are no and can't."

  30. BWAHAHA. I love this so much. Reminds me of the Bill Cosby routine when he and his brother thought their names were "Jesus Christ" and "Damnit." So hysterical.