Friday, February 11, 2011

Top 10 Things That Make Me Run Late in the Morning

I really hate trying to get Audrey out the door to school in the morning.  On the list of things that drive me half-insane with stress for really no good reason, this one is right up there with obsessing over why Derek Hough is not returning for season 12 of Dancing with the Stars.  (A film career?  Really?  Is that a good idea?)

I've kinda set myself up for this by mixing it up with Audrey's cloven-hoofed bus driver, who hates me so much that she now pulls into my driveway, pauses for a 3-count, and then pulls back out if we're not out there immediately.

Our margin for error is razor thin, so even the slightest hitch in our morning routine (breakfast, give Audrey her supplement cocktail, make her lunch, get her dressed) can put us off schedule.  So here are the top 10 things that can make us run late in the morning:

10)  I have to open a new jar of cashew butter for Audrey's "PB and J" sandwich and stir in all of that greasy stuff at the top.

9)  Audrey decides that she cannot wear anything yellow after she is already dressed.  In yellow.  And then decides that purple is equally offensive after we've changed her.  Into purple.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

8)  We are up earlier than usual and thus I think I have all the time in the world, so I start commenting on blogs and do my daily SITS roll call, in which I pretend to like someone's homemade pine cone earrings (hollaback Dani G!).  Seriously, I've been doing this for 9 months...just give me my fucking day already!

7)  I have to take time out to vomit after reading Big Daddy's conception story.

6)  I have to open up a new bottle of some supplement and remove it from ten layers of tamper-proof packaging.  I can't get it open, so I take a knife to it, lacerate an artery, and pass out from blood loss while searching for band-aids which turn out to be in Barbie's pet hospital.

5)  I realize that I'm out of snacks for Audrey's lunch and have to go out to the car and scrape up some veggie chips and snap peas from the floor and under her car seat.

4)  We are halfway out the door and Audrey decides that she has to take a dump.

3)  Audrey insists on making it to the end of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and seeing the mouska-dance/Hot Dog Song, but she's rewound it so much during the show that I have to futz around fast-forwarding it to get to the end, which in turn sends her into conniptions because she's not getting to re-watch it in order to get to the end and then I lose the will to live and have to have a lie-down under the stairs.

2)  I have to sign a permission slip, fill out a form, pack up Christmas gifts, Valentines, or a change of clothes for picture day.  Who am I kidding?  These never get done.

And the #1 thing that makes me run late in the morning...

1)  Audrey has no clean underwear so I have to cut holes in a Crown Royal sack.  Again.


  1. ROFL! The only thing I have different from your list is when the boys take that man shit in their PANTS! Take shoes off, pants off, lift a 45lb man ass, wipe, clean shit from under thumb, new pull-up, put pants on, shoes on, re-bundle for winter. AAAARRGGGHH!

  2. Thanks so much for the Crown Royal sack idea!! You have just made my life exponentially easier.

  3. It certainly doesn't take much to put any of us parents behind schedule! Love the list!

  4. I know what you mean---OH Crap! The Bus!

    *runs off* wait bus driver! Wait! DAMMIT.

    (i feel you)

  5. One of my list-leaders lately -- Joy decides she doesn't want to wear mittens, so rips each one off in turn as I put them on, thereby freeing a hand to pull my hair. With wind chills approaching -25 Fahrenheit.

  6. I thought my kids were the only ones who wore Crown Royal sacks as underwear. My daughter also uses the little purple cases for my birth control as wallets. Don't judge me:-)

    Mara R.

  7. You forgot "The bus arrives, you turn round and find your child has just made themselves a 3-course 'snack' and they freak out at the thought of not finishing it"

    Or is that just us?

  8. Nothing, NOTHING, makes me more insane with stress than trying to get out the door in the morning.

    You missed my personal favourite: when after I have gone through heroic measures to get everyone out the door on time, dressed more or less for the weather, butts and noses all wiped, moderately healthy lunches packed, permission forms more or less signed...Miss Sensitive decides to throw a monster fit over the way her seat belt feels. Monster fits make us late EVERY TIME.

  9. hahahaha!!! You don't want pinecone earrings? This is a great list.

    And by the way, we might do some thinking about the husband/wife blog thingy. Could be super cheesy, or, done right, it could have some serious potential... We'll see!

  10. Ugh, those peanut butter jars! What a PITA they are!!

    Crown Royal sack!?? Tre chic! Child goes to school in style and decadence!

  11. Every once in a while someone who knows better will call me between 7 and 8 a.m. on a weekday(while I'm getting two autistickids ready for school busses)
    I've started answering the phone: "Are you f*^#king kiddingme?!"

    Losing the will to live IS such a time suck!

  12. Craziness!! I now never venture into blogland until I've successfully dropped Dan off at school. I still have a problem with Twitter however Dan's new stim of clearing his throat keeps me on my toes. :)

    Tip: If you buy cheep supplements at the 99 cent store or dollar general there are fewer barriers. ;)

  13. ROFL!!!

    I don't have a list like this, but yours sure is funny!

  14. "Derek Hough is not returning for season 12 of Dancing with the Stars"

    I like to search photos of him naked and topless and now that he's not coming back, I have no reason to watch that darn show.

  15. seriously, now i HAVE to read Big Daddy's conception story.

  16. #8 is my downfall.
    My worst mornings are when Moe sleeps late and I have like 20 minutes to get him up, dressed and fed. But the #1 reason we're late is my husband, who drops Moe off on the morning, has no sense of time.

  17. bwahahaha love love love it- you need to do more top ten lists, i think they are among my favorite of your posts

  18. This is great!! So many days my life felt like herding cats through a waterfall - just as I got them all through one would come flying back out, claws extended and howling.

  19. What?! Derek Hough is not returning to DWTS?! Guess I'll have to fill my nights catching up on your Blog Talk Radio show, Lynn!

  20. I laughed my ass off at this! Then I cried. Because it sounded so damned familiar. And you're out of Crown. Dang.

  21. Sounds about right. Let me know if you ever need help smoothly said royal crown bottles. And if you posted pics of your home made pine cone earrings, I'd totally lie and say they were cute.

  22. I meant "need help drinking said crown royal". I blame the autocorrect on my iPhone. And I'm drunk. But now you have one more comment. Whatever. Suck it.

  23. @Kelly: I do have the advantage on #4 of her actually making it to the toilet and not getting doody under my fingernails. Hers anyway.

    @JoyMama: Winter is sooo much harder than summer. We're always missing one snow boot, which don't ask me how because they are humongous.

    @Mara: I would never judge such green upcycling initiatives.

    @bbsmum: That would only happen to us if it involved 3 courses of cupcakes.

    @neverthetwain: Monster fits definitely abort the mission. I've witnessed the sight of my daughter in full winter gear flailing around on the floor like an engorged tick.

    @Christy: I think it could be good...I've seen excellent ones! Plus it's not all on you to come up with posts all the time.

    @Aimee: What about texting between 7 and 8? I think I've done that to you.

    @Dani: I was just about to write and ask if you were drunk after the first comment. Thanks for clarifying. That you're drunk.

  24. I've given up on getting a SITS day. I'm sick of whoring out my time to crafters who have prettier living rooms than me.

    Isn't it a shame those CR bags only last for one wear? You wash 'em and they just fall apart. Guess it's a good excuse to drink more.

  25. I try not to GET the will to live, just stay away I tell it.

    My "favorite" is the screaming kicking biting (self and others) unexplained and unexplainable full frontal meltdown, that causes me to throw out my back dragging him through the doorway as he grabs on to anything as though I'm dragging him through the doorway to hell, and I'm saying just TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG?!?!?!

    Only to find out later that he didn't like the way his sock felt. Or he didn't want to wear that shirt. Or (insert other dumb thing) that he could have JUST TOLD ME!!!!!

  26. #4- Been there with Cody.
    #3- My favorite. Hilarious!

  27. My kids get up at 7:30. I lose my will to live by 7:31. I pretty much drag Katie kicking and screaming to school each morning and wish her teachers luck.

  28. Your mornings are worse than mine! At least I'm the surly bus driver, and I can't leave without my daughter! LOL

  29. #6 & #1 made me cry they were so funny/on point.

  30. You have SOOOO accurately described the worst part of my day. That window between 7:30 and 8 a.m. when I have to get them fed, dressed, make sure the backpacks are ready and then out the door. Meanwhile, they're doing everything within their little powers to make sure that doesn't happen.

    I laughed so hard about the "peanut butter" -- WHY can't they make it all blended in like the horrible processed stuff?

    And as for the underwear, I have been known to just send Dave out to buy more in the morning.

    You have such a wonderful way of describing the trials and tribulations of motherhood that allow us all to laugh at ourselves a little bit ... and our children :-)

  31. Thanks for the heads up on the conceptions story. Note to self: when visiting BDA beware of content that will have me screaming "it burns it burns" all the way to the red x out square.

    Can totally relate to the morning rush routine. I cannot count how many times I've had to run to school with Depakote....then my son sees me and dedides it must be time to leave for speech. Than the tantrum...

    I just listened to the radio show. It was hilarious! I'm so glad you have decided to continue. I'm so calling in when you do the show about all the enviro buggie men!

  32. I can loan you some of my Royal Crown sacks if you need more. Except they're purple, which might create a problem.

    #4 made me spit.

  33. All I can say is that it is good to know I am not alone. I am always 10 minutes late to bring my son to school, always. No clean underwear all the time.

  34. I don't know how you do it every time, but, again, I am LITERALLY laughing out loud. ANOTHER VOTE that you should have your day to shine on SITS!!!

  35. Awesome post, awesome blog. I found you through Jillsmo, glad I did. We have the same at my house, only first I get punched when I wake up Zach. Then he decides he wants hotdogs for breakfast, when we are out of hotdogs. I tell him this only to be met with "I WANT A HOT! I DON'T WANT ANYTHING ELSE BUT A HOTDOG CUTUPTHEMIDDLEWITHONLYALITTLEBITOFKETCHUP!!!!!!!!" Then he attacks his sister, presumably because he believes she is a magical hotdog-dispenser.

    Lucky for ME I don't have to worry about being late to work anymore, because the day after I returned to work after finding my ex-husband dead in his apartment, the vice president of the well-known PEDIATRIC DISABILITY CENTER that I worked at wrote me up.

    She wrote that I couldn't be late to one appointment FOR AN ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR. She was going to say 2 years but I talked her down to one year. I'm not even kidding. So I was late and I got fired.

    My only wish is that she's as miserable on the inside as she makes everyone else.