I really hate trying to get Audrey out the door to school in the morning. On the list of things that drive me half-insane with stress for really no good reason, this one is right up there with obsessing over why Derek Hough is not returning for season 12 of Dancing with the Stars. (A film career? Really? Is that a good idea?)
I've kinda set myself up for this by mixing it up with Audrey's cloven-hoofed bus driver, who hates me so much that she now pulls into my driveway, pauses for a 3-count, and then pulls back out if we're not out there immediately.
Our margin for error is razor thin, so even the slightest hitch in our morning routine (breakfast, give Audrey her supplement cocktail, make her lunch, get her dressed) can put us off schedule. So here are the top 10 things that can make us run late in the morning:
9) Audrey decides that she cannot wear anything yellow after she is already dressed. In yellow. And then decides that purple is equally offensive after we've changed her. Into purple. Lather, rinse, repeat.
8) We are up earlier than usual and thus I think I have all the time in the world, so I start commenting on blogs and do my daily SITS roll call, in which I pretend to like someone's homemade pine cone earrings (hollaback Dani G!). Seriously, I've been doing this for 9 months...just give me my fucking day already!
7) I have to take time out to vomit after reading Big Daddy's conception story.
6) I have to open up a new bottle of some supplement and remove it from ten layers of tamper-proof packaging. I can't get it open, so I take a knife to it, lacerate an artery, and pass out from blood loss while searching for band-aids which turn out to be in Barbie's pet hospital.
5) I realize that I'm out of snacks for Audrey's lunch and have to go out to the car and scrape up some veggie chips and snap peas from the floor and under her car seat.
4) We are halfway out the door and Audrey decides that she has to take a dump.
3) Audrey insists on making it to the end of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and seeing the mouska-dance/Hot Dog Song, but she's rewound it so much during the show that I have to futz around fast-forwarding it to get to the end, which in turn sends her into conniptions because she's not getting to re-watch it in order to get to the end and then I lose the will to live and have to have a lie-down under the stairs.
2) I have to sign a permission slip, fill out a form, pack up Christmas gifts, Valentines, or a change of clothes for picture day. Who am I kidding? These never get done.
And the #1 thing that makes me run late in the morning...
1) Audrey has no clean underwear so I have to cut holes in a Crown Royal sack. Again.