In that post, I described it as like hearing the "choppers in 'Nam", so intense was my flashback to a really scary and miserable time in my life. Every phase has had its ups and downs, but the years between when Audrey was about 18 months through 3 years were particularly sucktastic.
Various sights and sounds can take me reluctantly back to that time in my life, so I thought I'd post about them as they come upon me. Maybe it will be a regular feature...or maybe I will stop after this one if I notice everyone backing slowly away from me.
Installment #1 are these little bitches right here:
Probably not cool to call little toddler girls "bitches", but they're just sketches right? I can call sketches of typically developing toddler girls "bitches" if I want to. Look at that one on the right. Cuz I did, like every minute of every day for months and months as I picked this book up to check on Audrey's milestones. Look at her ugly little Dutch boy haircut and overalls, and that smug little smile on her face that says "I'm developing totally normally! Look at my precocious pretend play skills!"
Yeah, you're pushing a plastic shopping cart full of your toys, you bowl-headed ninny. What kind of a store are you pretending to be shopping at where you can buy your puked-on teddy bear and dirty-ass truck? Pfft. You think you're so great.
But the inside of the book pushed me way closer to a nervous breakdown than the cover ever could. Remember how it went through each month and broke down milestones by 1) what your child should be able to do, 2) what your child will probably be able to do, and 3) what your child may be able to do?
I would try to take heart if she wasn't doing the "probably's" or "may's", but then I noticed that those just got rolled forward into the following months' "should's". DOH! And then I kept re-reading the fine print that said she should be doing this stuff by the end of said month, and I would literally be counting days on a calendar from the 19th (her birth date) and not the 1st of the month...like it was ever gonna make any difference. If I would have known then what I know now...she's 7 and we're still working on some of them.
Here's an example from the chapter on the 13th month, and my editorial comments about Audrey...
Your child should be able to:
- Pull up to standing - She's not, but it's not the 19th yet so climb off my ass.
- Get into a sitting position - What do you mean by "get" exactly? Get from where? If I put her down into a sitting position, she stays there with a Boppy pillow around her.
- Cruise - What kind of a sick book is this?
Your child will probably be able to:
- Put an object into a container - If the "object" is her hand and the "container" is her poopy diaper, then yes.
- Use one recognizable word - YES!!!!! Elation subsequently turns into despair when she loses it by the 16th month.
Your child may be able to:
- Yeah, we're done here.
Feel free to join in on the
misery fun and tell me about any of your triggers that take you back to those bad old days.