Pass the Golden Hat

I recently read that actress Kate Winslet is going to be coming out with a book to promote autism awareness.  The book will be called The Golden Hat, and is based on the poetry of a boy with autism named Keli Ericsdottir.  Keli is non-verbal, and one of his poems is about a magical hat that allows him to communicate.

Winslet's book will include two dozen celebrity self-portraits from the likes of Ben Stiller, Meryl Streep and Ricky Gervais.  Each celebrity will be pictured donning a “magical” hat, and they will also speculate as to what their first words would be if they were suddenly “unlocked” after years of being unable to communicate.  It's not coming out until November, but I'm curious to read it and see what the celebrities come up with, especially since a few of my favorite comedians are in the bunch.

Audrey is verbal, but does have difficulty communicating her thoughts.  I mean, scripting lines from Handy Manny and Cooking Mama only takes you so far.  So what would Audrey say if she put on that golden hat and suddenly could tell me anything that has been on her mind for these past 7 years?  Here's my top 10 list...

10)  You know what you can do with your social stories?

9)  That shirt you wore on July 8, 2007 looked awful on you.

8)  Let me put this in terms you can understand:  When we go to the mall and you try to get me to stop stimming on the escalators and fountains, that's like if I forced you to pay full price at Gymboree, pass by Mr. Fuzziwig's bulk candy store without buying anything, followed by trying on bras and swimsuits for hours on end.

7)  They can invent a silencer for a freakin' gun, but they can't for blenders, vacuums, and leaf blowers?  Are you with me, people??

6)  Why do you say something "smells like ass" like that's a bad thing?

5)  Neuro-typical kids are stupid and ugly and and from here on out will be referred to as "nippicals".

4)  When we're in Target and you do that thing where you stop dead in your tracks and pretend to be suddenly engrossed in the instructions on a Swiffer box and then just as suddenly tear-ass to the other side of the store, everybody knows you just farted.

3)  No one's going to throw you in jail if I'm not in my car seat, drama queen.

2)  Let me put this in terms that you can understand:  Watching Baby Einstein videos for me is like for you if a shirtless Johnny Depp walked up to you with a Peanut Buster Parfait in his pants and told you that Xanax and red wine cures cellulite.  So climb off my ass.

And the #1 thing that Audrey would tell me if she could...
1)  I've already bought the www.autismarmygirl.com domain and I will get the last laugh.

How bout you?  What do you think your kid would say if they could?

Find out more about the Golden Hat Foundation at http://www.goldenhatfoundation.org/