Monday, May 23, 2011

Pass the Golden Hat

I recently read that actress Kate Winslet is going to be coming out with a book to promote autism awareness.  The book will be called The Golden Hat, and is based on the poetry of a boy with autism named Keli Ericsdottir.  Keli is non-verbal, and one of his poems is about a magical hat that allows him to communicate.

Winslet's book will include two dozen celebrity self-portraits from the likes of Ben Stiller, Meryl Streep and Ricky Gervais.  Each celebrity will be pictured donning a “magical” hat, and they will also speculate as to what their first words would be if they were suddenly “unlocked” after years of being unable to communicate.  It's not coming out until November, but I'm curious to read it and see what the celebrities come up with, especially since a few of my favorite comedians are in the bunch.

Audrey is verbal, but does have difficulty communicating her thoughts.  I mean, scripting lines from Handy Manny and Cooking Mama only takes you so far.  So what would Audrey say if she put on that golden hat and suddenly could tell me anything that has been on her mind for these past 7 years?  Here's my top 10 list...

10)  You know what you can do with your social stories?

9)  That shirt you wore on July 8, 2007 looked awful on you.

8)  Let me put this in terms you can understand:  When we go to the mall and you try to get me to stop stimming on the escalators and fountains, that's like if I forced you to pay full price at Gymboree, pass by Mr. Fuzziwig's bulk candy store without buying anything, followed by trying on bras and swimsuits for hours on end.


7)  They can invent a silencer for a freakin' gun, but they can't for blenders, vacuums, and leaf blowers?  Are you with me, people??


6)  Why do you say something "smells like ass" like that's a bad thing?

5)  Neuro-typical kids are stupid and ugly and and from here on out will be referred to as "nippicals".

4)  When we're in Target and you do that thing where you stop dead in your tracks and pretend to be suddenly engrossed in the instructions on a Swiffer box and then just as suddenly tear-ass to the other side of the store, everybody knows you just farted.

3)  No one's going to throw you in jail if I'm not in my car seat, drama queen.

2)  Let me put this in terms that you can understand:  Watching Baby Einstein videos for me is like for you if a shirtless Johnny Depp walked up to you with a Peanut Buster Parfait in his pants and told you that Xanax and red wine cures cellulite.  So climb off my ass.

And the #1 thing that Audrey would tell me if she could...
1)  I've already bought the www.autismarmygirl.com domain and I will get the last laugh.


How bout you?  What do you think your kid would say if they could?


Find out more about the Golden Hat Foundation at http://www.goldenhatfoundation.org/

42 comments:

  1. Mine?

    Mom, YOU'VE GOT TO GO!!!

    LMAO!!

    I busted out laughing at no. 4!!!!

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  2. Griffin: "Why did you make me ride It's a Small World at Disney with that horribly, hairy woman?"

    Btw, everbody is already onto your label reading-fart-run routine.

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  3. Two things -
    "Why did it take you so long to figure out what was going on with me?"
    and
    "You REALLY should have been popping those chill pills along with me."

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  4. Two things as well-
    "I don't understand why you won't put a refrigerator in my room."
    and
    "Labeling everything in the house is pointless because I just ignore them anyway!

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  5. Paying full price at Gymboree?!?!? THE HORROR!!!!!
    And they might put you in jail for the car seat thing...hehe.

    I will have to think about this. It would probably be something along the lines of, why the fuck are you spending so much money on therapy for me? This is how I am. YOU are the one who needs therapy.

    Or, can you stop trying to talk me into shit like soccer? Really? Have I not made it apparent that I hate all things where I have to RUN?

    Or maybe she would unlock the secret to why Small World is like fucking Mecca to our kids.


    And she'd probably tell me to stop using Fuck so much.

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  6. Bitch, I hear every word you're saying. no wonder I have trouble with prepositions and pronouns. I never know who the fuck your talking to.
    Sitting in the front seat going on and on like I'm not there. Dumb Ass... open your eyes.
    Then... I hate the taste of soap in my mouth...

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  7. i do use the if you aren't in your seat the police will arrest me line but my kids can talk so they tell me i am exaggerating. they say, look we just passed a police car and they didn't arrest you so why do i have to sit in this thing? its a constant arguement.

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  8. Freakin' funny! I love this top 10 list!

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  9. Ted would say, "No, Momma, YOU are pissing ME off today!"

    AJ would be all, "What the fuck, woman? Can you just make me PBJ for every meal? Screw these potatoes and funky caseroles. PBJ - that's it!"

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  10. Sweet Jesus, that's good! Also, kudos to you for "crop dusting" through the cleaning aisle. Buys some time when when you've got the likes of Mountain Spring Tide on your side. Or back. Or backside.

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  11. "These are only baby teeth. They fall out anyway, woman - leave me alone!!"

    LMFAO!!! This is one of my all time favorite posts - (Love #10- mine will say it hat or not and #1 - That's probably true - Audrey is one smart cookie!!)

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  12. That's great! All so true.....
    Mine would tell me to quit making me eat my vegetables, they're green and even with butter they still suck.

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  13. LMAO I laughed out loud at all of these. Just awesome.

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  14. Hahahahahahha! Nippicals! I will read every word of the autismarmygirl blog.

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  15. I barely made it past "nippicals". Breathing is conducive to reading, as it turns out. :-P

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  16. OMG hysterically funny
    nippicals was the BEST

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  17. and dont worry about the Target = - i bet the air is most grocery stores is 50% fart

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  18. Love the nippicals. I'm going to start using that to refer to annoying so called "typical" kids. =)

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  19. I've read that Swiffer box. It's riveting.

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  20. "The hundreds of dollars you're spending on the GFCF food isn't doing a damn thing."

    Huh,Nippical.

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  21. @Kara: There's terminology for what I do in Target? What's it called if I do it in Kohl's? Crop dusting. Hee.

    @K: 50% fart. Love it. See if you can work that into a Hopeful Parents post *toot*

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  22. Liam is in the same boat as Audrey... he's great at repeating speech patterns but hasn't grasped the nuances of building his own language... I'm sure he's got a few good ones lined up for me...
    right now most of them probably revolve around "I'll poop where I want to and you'll like it" ... we're going through the evil potty training stage where he knows to keep his pull up dry, but not to get to the potty in time...

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  23. Love this, Lynn! I do wonder what Moe would say. Probably something like "I'm not signing all done because I'm NOT all done." Or "I spill all the pieces of every toy all over the floor because it's fun to watch you clean them up every night. Gotcha!"

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  24. I like this. I think mine would say "Pants are overrated."

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  25. Oh Lynn, have you just entered the key into Pandora’s box??...

    Our (fantastic) speech therapists drums in that when our daughter wants something that we have to wait patiently for her to say the key words using an expected facial expression i.e. slightly raised eyebrows whilst marginally tilting the head.

    So I would envisage our daughter, elevating herself to a higher level (climbing the kitchen bench like the mountain goat she is to reverse the height difference), looking at me with an expected facial expression, slightly raising her eyebrows, tilting her head, and then, when I say nothing cause I don’t know what she wants, throw a left jab and then a severe right hook and say, “How do you like that bitch!?”

    Being a father, I would then jump up, high five her and say, “Chocolate ice cream and Wiggles on loop, for the rest of the day!

    Great, thought provoking post..

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  27. CT: "When I pretend to ignore you and make you repeat yourself over and over....I really do hear you, I just like the repetition"

    or possibly

    "Mommy, your obsession with Ancient Aliens isn't exactly "normal" either.

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  28. My kids don't have autism and Isabella is as nippical as one can get but Joey is 'different' and I think he would probably say that his orthopedic is as bat crap crazy as they come and that I should start taking his oxycodone to relieve some of my pain.

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  29. #6 and #2 would likely both make Joy's list. Not that she's ever heard me use the phrase in #6. But she would SO resonate with the spirit of the statement!!

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  30. Yeah, I wasn't gonna say anything, but that shirt you wore on July 8, 2007 WAS pretty ugly!!

    If the bird could communicate like I want her to, she'd say, "this whole fingers-in-the-ears thing? It's not a stim, I just want you to shut the fuck up!!!!"

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  31. I think I just woke up my entire family by laughing at "nippicals"

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  32. Gaston: "Dad, can you stop asking me about my day at school? It was boring and nothing happened."

    Remi: "This new talking ability is jolly good, but I think I'll stick to realistic train noises. WooooOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh."

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  33. Your top tens are always my favorite! #4 seriously made me laugh out loud in the library. Love #2- I had that exact dream last night!!

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  34. Charlotte would say: "You know when it's just you and me in the car and you are bustin out a song like you are the next American Idol? Yah, you're not."

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  35. I have tried to interpret the looks my kids would give me in class and my favorite look was:
    "And I am the one in special education? Seriously?"

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  36. I love 2, 3 and 8, but now I'm gonna feel guilty when I'm telling Cody "Stop wigging out. Nobody else is doing it and you look stupid." (Yes, I have said that to him before.)

    Thanks a ton Lynn. haha

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  37. # 7 and 4 are my favorite! The silencer totally makes sense!! If you could figure that out, you'd be rich!!!

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  38. no words. laughing too hard.

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  39. #8 makes us think twice, doesn't it? and #7, yeah, I bet J would agree w/Audrey there.

    But for now, we'll stick w/scripted history cartoons and "I don't feel like talking right now."

    Someday, we'll get our list...

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