Thursday, July 14, 2011

Things I've Learned From Blogging: A Pre-Mortem


I've been blogging for about 16 months now, and before I shuffle off this mortal coil I thought I would do a bit of a retrospective and share the deets of my experience for the benefit of all you young players out there.

LESSON #1:  Do not use "deets" and "shuffle off this mortal coil" in the same sentence.  I'm hella Shakespearean, yo!

LESSON #2:  Whenever you are feeling uninspired, unappreciated, and like you are ready to throw in the towel, write a post like this one telling everyone how you are *this close* to quitting and wait for the comments to roll in telling you are fabulous you are, how your readers could never make it through the day without you, and how they would gladly host a telethon to raise money for you if you would just reconsider and please please please please don't go-oh-oh-oh.

*Pregnant pause*


*Blink*


*Blink*


*Crickets*

You miserable bitches.

LESSON #3:
Reading lots of other people's blogs every single day and commenting on every single one of their posts is a great way to:
a) Drive traffic to your own blog.
b) Make lots of new friends and learn from their experiences.
c) Kill those pesky first 18 years of your child's life.

LESSON #4:
When putting #3 into practice, you can increase your pleasure a thousand-fold by engaging in "blog-splorting".  This is a term that I coined to describe the highly entertaining practice of shitting on someone that has commented ahead of you just to see if they come back and discover your little buried treasure.

Feel free to use these examples:
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Anonymous is dumb."  Or "LOL myboo313! And by that I mean Log Off Loser!"  Or the always applicable "Big Daddy wears ladies underpants."
 
I'll be sharing more of these worthless invaluable insights in the coming days.  Also COMING SOON..."Top 10 Signs That You Should Stop Blogging" and "My All-Time Favorite (And Uncensored) Commenting Bloopers!"

22 comments:

  1. Fuck, I'm the first commenter? I was totally hoping to splort...

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  2. Yes, yes I have seen the blog-splorting comments you've left about me.

    And I'm watching you (Robert De Niro, fingers on eyes, pointing to you).

    And by that I mean stalking.

    Live in fear.

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  3. Flannery, I'm ready for your splorting. Bring it. I have enough vodka and rum for the both of us.

    And by that I mean I live in fear of you so I'm hoping to buy you off/pacify you with all the hard liquor stored in my basement.

    Oh yeah--I love you Lynn, don't leave. Is that enough for you or should I spread it on a little thicker?

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  4. I liked how you called Big Daddy a bitch up there, hee.
    And don't quit!!! My "crazy" always seems a little more normal after I read your blog. (yes it's a complement)

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  5. Aimee - lousy comment, You've just been blog-splorted, bitch!

    (Note - seriously, I do not think you are a bitch. At all. See what I did, there? I made a funny - or not.)

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  6. Dani G is a skinny bitch.
    Flannery lives in Texas...HAHA.
    Lizbeth has a lot to learn about loving me up.
    Aimee: BD is my bitch yo!
    Kelly likes to splort!

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  7. The "Big Daddy wears ladies underpants" made me laugh because way before Isabella was born and up until she was about a year old, I always teased my husband and called his "trunks" 'panties'. Then when she got older Kevin was like "Stop saying that!!" Then we both envisioned her going to school and proudly declaring Daddy wears panties! But yeah, we now call them the manly word 'trunks' again. (For the record, they are boxer briefs)

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  8. Don't you dare quit. You, Big Daddy, and hyperbole are the only things keeping me sane!!! Oh. I'm not. That's why I take happy pills. Ok, you keep me halfway sane. Keep at it! Hyperbole is publishing a book now too!! She makes $$! But she is not blogging now! So you and BD are it...

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  9. I always read your stuff. It's just great and funny as hell. But I don't comment much because your commentors (commentators? comment-taters??) are so sharp witted...well, I have enough ego left to not want to sound like a dumbass. So...don't stop writing because one dumbass doesn't want you to.

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  10. You stop...I die!
    Well, maybe that's a little over-the-top but I really, really, really, really enjoy and LEARN from your posts. I'm new to the Aspie world and you help me to remember not to take myself too seriously and that I'm not alone in this crazy, F-upped Aspergers world!!!

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  11. Thank you!! It only took six months, but I finally learned what "splorting" is!! Although you may or may not have splorted me many times. I'm a little slow on the uptake.

    You cannot quit. Rehab is for quitters, and unlike the rest of us you don't drink, so you really have no excuse.

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  12. You're not really quitting, right? I read every post, but rarely comment for pretty much the same reasons as the person above (who I am too lazy to scroll up and check the name on. Is that passive splorting...sort of?)

    I love your writing and your humor. Keep it up, dammit.

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  13. Lynn, your blog is the best! It's the only one of those that I follow that I read every post. Keep writing! : )

    I have typed and deleted many comments on many posts...now I know what I'm afraid of...the blog-splorters!

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  14. I, for one, will look forward to reading your "all-time favorite commenting bloopers".

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  15. I just figured out how to check your posts through my blogger feed bookmark. You can't quit now that I am all techonologied up!

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  16. @Big Daddy has reminded me of the guest post that he will be contributing to this series called "How To Comment on a Blog Post Without Wasting Your Time Reading It".

    @Rebecca: BD's are really ladies underpants.

    @OZMO: Wow you've put me in some impressive company! Well 1 out of 2 ain't bad anyway.

    @Claire @noway: You guys can hold your own with the best of 'em! Thanks for your support!

    @imsocrmom: Thanks so much...you are definitely not alone!

    @Grace: I'm a total quitter and Celebrity Rehab has taught me that you don't need to be addicted to drugs or alcohol to be on it. Audrey and I are going in for our cupcake addiction just so that we can quit.

    @Mindi: I wouldn't allow anyone to splort you!

    @DeeAnn: Feel free to report any commenting violations from your own blog.

    @Heather: Well now that IS motivation!

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  17. Are you seriously thinking of quitting?

    You better not, bitch!

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  18. I've been thinking of quitting, too. But I haven't written in awhile so it's kind of like I already quit. But you shouldn't quit, no way!

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  19. Christine, I'm splorting you because your a quitter.

    Lynn, don't toy with our emotions, it's bad Karma.

    Shit. A comment bloopers, I think I've done every no no in the book...---{runs and hides}.

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  20. I'm 3 years blogging and have never heard of splorting.... I lead a sheltered life it seems!

    And I SERIOuSLY hope I'm the last commentor here... think I'll *run ad hide* along with Cari!!

    xx jazzy

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  21. I loved this post and also all all the comments
    Lynn's blog andnBaileys
    Perfect end to the weekend

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