Wednesday, September 28, 2011

A Bad Case of Swamp Ass

No kidding, my ass smells like ass.
You know those writer's memes that give you a topic, question, or device as a prompt to get your creative juices flowing?  They always seem to be things like "tell me about a fond childhood memory" or "a time that you made your parents proud" or "write a letter to your 10 year old self telling her how much you love her".  I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm always somehow unable to come up with anything. *choking sob*

Anyway, the title of this post came to me in a dream, and I'm going to treat it just like one of those prompts and write a post around it.  Feel free to join in with me if you have a blog.  Or even if you don't.  Cuz who doesn't have a good swamp ass story?

Hmmmm...I could go with that double-header that I sat through on a 100 degree day with my Aunt Flo.  Or that 12-hour bus ride that I took from Izmir to Istanbul, Turkey when suffering from traveler's GI distress and not one of the "rest rooms" we stopped at had toilet paper.  Or really anything that I would call a toilet for that matter.

I would write about those, but this blog really isn't about me, is it?  Audrey's posterior is far cuter, teensier, dimplier, but no less swampy.  To put it bluntly, she does not know how to wipe her butt for #2.  There, I said it.

It's a skill that I have not really pushed her on because her fine motor skills aren't the best, and I'm afraid that she'll just get it all over her hands and then realize how freaking AWESOME that is.

So I'm still actually monitoring her in the bathroom to see if she's going #2, then laying her down on the floor like a newborn when she goes, and busting out baby wipes like I've been doing every day for the past 7 1/2 years.  Is that weird?  Don't answer that.

She does go on her own, like at school for instance.  And that is where the title of this post comes in.  Sometimes it's so bad I can smell it on her when she gets in the car.  Crap.

*Snort* Europeans are dum.
This phenomena, together with our mutual hatred of bath time, makes for a potentially lethal combination.  But I've come up with the perfect solution, the ultimate cure for swamp ass.  And it's name is "bidet".  You know, that butt-wash thing that Americans love to make fun of/store their beer in when they're vacationing in Europe...and take the requisite picture like the one at right.

Think about it...it's the perfect invention for autistic kids.  They love running water, especially fountains.  They don't need the motor skills to wipe, and they don't have to get their hands near the stinky stuff.  OK, they may need some quad strength to squat.  But even if they fall in, it just gets their butt cleaner right?

Another problem solved.  Alls you have to do is find a place in the U.S. that carries and installs bidets, tear apart your bathroom to fit it in, teach your kid to use it, and watch your water bills skyrocket when they become obsessed with it.

You're welcome.

24 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHAAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

    We actually thought about getting one of those!!! After talking "worse case scenarios" we opted not to. The whole -getting obsessed with what cleans your butt" is just too frightening for me lol Like Audrey, Tommy was a late bloomer in learning how to wipe the butt. He was so polite about it! (hanging head out of the bathroom and yelling "can i have some WIPE YOUR BUTT please!?!") Also, he'd go at school. Since Tommy has always attended Autism specific schools (not public school) we wrote it in to his IEP for THEM to do it!!! Golden. Thank you my son for crapping at school. lol I think he was 8 or 9 when he mastered the art of WIPE A BUTT lol

    The investment i'd like to make.. is a urinal. My husband has great aim. Tommy, i can't put it into words. It all gets IN, it the follow-through that is a mess. Yes, I see a urinal in my future!

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  2. OMG, Lynn!! I remember when you did the post about how Audrey will someday have her own revenge blog - I'm pretty sure she will after this story! You must never, never let her near this one.

    (But just between us and the 115 other commenters who will come here - when little T is done the instructions are "Hands on the ground - butt in the air"). Whoever invented baby wipes should get a Nobel prize. ;)

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  3. Just so y'all know...you can buy toilet seats now with all the requisite warm water flow and blow dry (yep...blow dry), that just hooks right up to the existing plumbing. My mother-in-law had one because she was physically challenged and couldn't, well, you know...do it by herself otherwise. Costs around $500. Cheaper than a bathroom reno. You are welcome for that too...

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  4. You took Aunt Flo to a double header in 100 degree weather? I'm all squirmy and uncomfortable just thinking about that. Damn unwanted guests ruining a perfectly good day at the ballpark. . .

    And yes, it's very weird to lay your 7 1/2 year old down like a newborn and crack out the baby wipes after bathroom time. But at least you're not alone there.

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  5. I love this...ha. We definitely need a bidet over here. You don't even want to know what K's underwear looks like at the end of the day. And she is in no way going to ever let me "help" her wipe at this point. We buy those flushable wet wipes, but when they only make it to the cheek, they are of no help.

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  6. You are not alone, my son is a non verbal 19 yr old who goes to the bathroom but can't wipe his butt, so I've doing it for the last 19 years!

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  7. Bidet-style toilets are actually very popular in Japan, and the ones there often have really high-tech, fancy features including heated seats, blow dryer and warmed water. I did a bit of research and found someone right in the western 630 area code who sells them... http://www.sandman.com/intimst.html This guy is apparently a telephone repair man who does this on the side! I have no personal knowledge of this man or his products, so caveat emptor. But, you may want to check it out. Still think you need to teach Audrey to wipe, though, for occasions when a bidet is not an option.

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  8. My in-laws have a bidet. Don't ask... Anyway we went to visit (they live 2 flights away, Praise Jesus) and my son was obsessed with the thing. I put an end to it when he started using it as a drinking fountain.

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  9. Is a sitz bath just the ugly stepsister to the bidet? Oh wait, then you are just sitting in the swampy water you've just dirtied. As the launderer of clothing here I have requested that ALL folks (11, 14 AND 48) take an extra moment to consider that someone actually has to touch that laundry!

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  10. Well, you're beating us. My 4 year old is now terrified to poop anywhere but in a diaper. She did it twice (in the toilet), took one look at it and announced "no yucky, want diaper". I have no idea what to do next.

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  11. We make Ted grab sand and put his butt in the air. Downside of that: 4 year old mini-man ass stink right at EYE and NOSE LEVEL when you need to bend and wipe him. Swamp ass is real. It is an epidemic, apparently, in the autism community. Holy shit - someone needs to make a pill for this.

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  12. LMFAO Jen and Lizbeth and Kelly

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  13. ...or we all move to Europe. :)

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  14. It is one of the many things I have bonded over with other parents of AS kids at conferences, in casual conversations, and other unlikely spots (how DOES this come up in conversation?). The 18 year old now does his own laundry...he knows how to use toilet paper only in the last year...we should have owned stock in Prep H. wipes...his favorite. We also have to purchase special power flusher toilets because his bowel is so big from holding it for so many years, well, it just won't go down without a power flusher. See what you have to look forward to? Anyway, I've noticed, it's not nearly as swampy since he has to pre-treat and wash all of his own underwear (and he wears 2 to 3 new pair per day because, well, it is so darn stinky). I sat next to him in his latest ARD - and I nearly gagged. The next day or so, I got an email from the special ed coordinator..."IH" is taking a lot of restroom trips...do we need to deal with this? HOLY CRAP...if you don't let him go, you will have something a lot worse to deal with...I guarantee!
    Also, if my son reads this...EVER...well, I can't even imagine the reaction...his top-of-his-lungs response would be "WTF WERE YOU THINKING Moooooommmm"...because, now that he's 18, he thinks he can cuss. Will it ever end???

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  15. LOL. I thought of my dad when I read this. Not because he doesn't know how to wipe or anything (sooo glad he won't read this), but because my parents have a bidet. Before they got one installed, he had a portable one that you can buy. Seriously. (Oh, he has MD, just so you know he's not a weird European or anything. Just a guy with low muscle strength.) I've thought of getting one for my kids who seem to forget that wiping is essential.

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  16. You know, I would just be happy if my 4yo would go in the toilet at this point. Swamp ass doesn't even begin to cover what we've got going on over here because he can't tell if he poops or farts, and sometimes it's a shart, but he doesn't know it. This should be the #1 topic in those pamphlets and books professionals give and point you towards that are all "Your child just got a diagnosis of autism. What do you do now?"

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  17. OMG I can't stop laughing! I am sooo kicking this one around Facebook!

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  18. @Rhonda: Writing it into the IEP...genius! I've hinted to her teachers in the past...hmmmm wonder why they've never encouraged me to put it in the IEP as a goal?

    @Claire: That is awesome. I would like that for myself.

    @Jen @Andrea: I'm so cheap, but the one extravagance I allow myself is a constant supply of new underwear for Audrey. I ain't soaking and stain-treating that business.

    @Debbi: You had me terrified at "power flusher toilet".

    @Amy: A portable one? I may have to look into that.

    @Amanda: Sharts have got to be in the top 10 of precursors to swamp ass.

    @Idy: Oh Lord...what's that they say about a special place in heaven for us?

    @Yuji: Are Japanese known for exceptionally clean butts?

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  19. OMG... I am not alone in this?? Phfew! you have no idea how comforting this blog post is to me! My 7 1/2 year old also has MAJOR swamp ass. Or as I call it "dead fish/rotten garbage ass". It is foul! I gag when I get a whiff of her at the end of the day. I do not lay her down on the floor to wipe her (cuz that would be weird), but I do wipe her behind even when she pees cuz she just doesn't do it right. I have tried to coach her on this several times but she gets really mad. She wants to be able to do it on her own...but if you leave it up her her...she NEVER WIPES. She still needs diaper cream from time to time due to the rash she gets from the damp, stanky undies.. (gag, I know right??!!)
    p.s...she still wears pull ups at night too. UGH!

    thank you for sharing this disgusting story!! It is yet another things our girls have in common. LOL....*sob*

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  20. Oh. My. Gosh. I am totally laughing out loud at this. I could never have a bidet in my home because my daughter would use it for drinking.

    Thanks for talking about what so many of us are afraid to..... and for making us laugh about it. Because really, what else can we do???

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  21. LOL!!! This actually describes my 16 year old!!!! Sorry, folks, it might not get better!!! But I refuse to wipe his butt. I've thought about a bidet as well.... and a urinal.... now am seriously going to get a hands-free soap pump. Next step might be a hands free faucet. I am seriously grossed out by having to clean that up almost every day.

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  22. I don't understand why that drinking fountain is mounted so low to the floor. I have to practically get on my knees to drink from it. . . plus all these European fountains smell like ass. Horrible.

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  23. Well, let me just reassure you that you are in no way the only mother still wiping her child's butt. My son is 8 and I force him to let me wipe him up after he's done, because no matter how hard he tries, there is always poop left. And he uses like a million wet wipes and sometimes even gets the crap on the wall, somehow. I have no idea how that happens. He obviously needs supervision.

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  24. I can so see my kid using that as a water fountain...*snort*

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