Monday, October 31, 2011

Trick-Or-Treating: A 673 Step Process

Audrey walks up to the door, tripping over unseen steps or uneven cobblestones.

Hey, there's a pretty flower! Look, there's a jack-o-lantern! Oooh, a crazy, blinky-eyed skull!

Wait. What was I doing?

Oh yeah. Trick-or-treating.

She does reconnaissance on the front door situation.

Is there a doorbell?  If yes, ring it.

If no, knock imperceptibly on it.

Say "trick or treat" before anyone answers the door.

Someone answers the door.

Mom says "trick or treat".

Homeowner holds out bowl of candy for her to choose.

Audrey is frozen, staring at the bowl, hypnotized by its contents. At every house, she is re-gobsmacked at her luck to find strangers handing out candy.

Mom: "C'mon, pick a piece already!"

She is frozen with indecision and passes over the choice chocolate bars for the worst piece of shit in the bowl like some petrified Jolly Rancher from the early 70's.

Mom is just glad that another house is done and dusted, when homeowners says, "Go ahead, take another one!"

Are you shitting me?

Repeat.

VARIATIONS / CURVEBALLS:
If a dog lunges at the storm door, fall ass-over-teakettle back down the steps and tear-ass out of there screaming all the way.

Pressing her nose against a screen door that opens outwards. Mom jacks her back by the fairy wings.

Stretching out for a spell on strangers' porch swings or yard furniture. Ahhhh...


Hope everyone had a safe and happy Halloween!!

21 comments:

  1. The Healys children are currently experiencing an epic Halloween meltdown on the first floor. Meg and Sean (both exhausted) just battled it out to hand out some candy from dueling bowls to some trick-or-treaters, resulting in Meg spilling her whole bowl of candy all over the threshold/porch/front hall. I picked it all up after she ran away wailing and the neighbors stood there watching me. Now Dan is manning the door with the kids and I'm upstairs having a glass of wine in sweet, sweet (relative) silence. Halloween has officially concluded for our family.

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  2. Nice! What you should do if they ask if you want another is........take one for yourself! And don't forget to skim some excess candy for your personal stash.

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  3. Autism has totally worked in my favor tonight!! Considering Ryan only likes plain Hershey bars and Skittles, he graciously gave me everything else. I made out like a jewel thief.

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  4. Kudos to you for even going on that adventure. For several years we celebrated by watching a movie and hiding.

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  5. I'm really glad there's 364 more days until we have to do this craziness again. Our first attempt at trick or treating was overall successful I guess. we only attempted to break and enter one house. Okay, three. But c'mon...they had stairs!! They were askin' for it. And that costume that I bled for and shed tears over for a week? It made it a whole 1.5 streets before it came off. And I only had to walk three blocks carrying the dead weight of my almost-3yo after she passed the heck out in a sugar coma. Good times. Good times.

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  6. I almost peed myself laughing at the "Are you shitting me?" over the telling the kid to take a 2nd piece of candy. That's my exact reaction as well because we've also gone through the whole paralyzing first piece of candy experience. And we experienced that scenario at almost every house tonight.

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  7. I just got home from taking my daughter trick-or-treating. This could have been written about her! Every step was experienced at every stop we went. Except my daughter loves dogs and lets them kiss her all over her face. Sometimes she even opens her mouth. Yes that is disgusting. Then we have to pry her away using the promise of more candy as the only way to escape with out a major melt down. Ahhh, the joys of trick-or-treating.

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  8. Someone told Joey to take another one and he said, "No thank you" I just don't understand that kid.

    On a different note......the first kids who came to our door he said, "Now go get out of here scram!!"

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  9. @Becky: I hope you got pictures of that scene.

    @Brian: One old man try to endear himself to me by asking if Audrey's "older sister" wanted a piece of her own.

    @Grace: Audrey likes the good stuff unfortunately...but she doesn't seem to notice when 2/3 of it is gone by morning.

    @Alisha: It's getting better every year...it felt like it was so awful for so long.

    @Ashley: Big ups to you for surviving!

    @Amanda: Right? Where we these people with giants bowls of primo candy who let you take multiple pieces when I was growing up?

    @Izzy: The dog factor is a major distraction...both inside people's houses and the on the sidewalks with all of the parents who insist on taking the dog along.

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  10. @Rebecca: Yeah, the first one I don't get. The second one, I totally get.

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  11. You've captured the whole trick-or-treat experience well.

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  12. My son would half fill his pumpkin with our candy. He'd go to the first door and say "Trick or Treat". Candy would be held out to him and he'd say, "No thank you, I brought you some."

    He just didn't get it. And in all the years he trick or treated, he'd give up after about fifteen minutes. Then he'd stand on our porch and announce loudly that WE had candy to give out.

    Tonight, now that he's 16? He sat at the computer and yelled, "Mom!" when someone approached - even though he was closer to the door.

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  13. Not too bad of an evening for the Reynolds'. Matthew made it all the way around the block but avoided any house with; flashing lights, scary voices, hanging skeletons, dressed up homeowners, music, too many kids already on the porch and so on. Didn't take long to get around the block!

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  14. Audrey is the most adorable fairy EVAH! Love the costume!

    I'm surprised to find how much Audrey's trick-or-treat sounds just like my own daughter's... ok, really not so surprised. LOL. Hope you had *some* fun!

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  15. Audrey does look beautiful in that costume!

    You totally reminded me -like Audrey, my kid will reach for the jawbreaker or an old piece of Dubble Bubble instead of a full size chocolate bar... Lol! (We skipped this year due to a fever... don't feel bad for me. It was the most relaxing Halloween I've had since he was born!)

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  16. Great picture, cute costume, lovely Audrey. : )

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  17. It rained and was cold in Pittsburgh. Lily could not be coaxed nor cajoled into braving the outdoors. Her mother let her stay inside. She did finally don the cupcake outfit. . . but not super willingly. She would wear the strawberry head piece only if the ends were poking into her ear holes? wtf?? I'll post a pic tomorrow or the next day.

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  18. You just described my trick or treating experience. My daughter has to knock and ring the doorbell. Oh and when asked by strangers what she is dressed up as my daughter responds with "trick or treat" and "thank you" then walks off.

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  19. This post cracks me up! Totally describes my first trick-or-treating-autism-style from a couple of days ago. What kind of insane son-of-a-xyz tells kids to "help themselves"?

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  20. I just had to comment on this as it is so very farmiliar! I took my younger siblings trick or treating for the first time this year, my ten-year-old brother with aspergers did all of the above...as well as talking a mile a minute to whoever answered the door and sometimes just walking right into the house mid-sentence, if he spotted something interesting behind them. Love it. =]

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