Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Blue Christmas

Supposedly it's a myth that people get any more depressed during the holidays than any other time of the year, or that suicide rates are any higher. But I didn't let that stop me from basing my latest Patch article on that old saw. Have they not heard of one Charlie Brown???

Charlie Brown is snapped out of his depression at the end of A Charlie Brown Christmas by realizing that Jesus is the reason for the season. In my case, I just like to remind myself that other people's lives are probably a whole lot shittier than they'd lead you to believe in their Christmas form letters. My Christmas special based on this premise is coming soon to the ABC Psycho network.

Click HERE to read more!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

What Audrey Is Thankful For


I wasn't able to get this entire work of art scanned in, so I will just have to relate to you what Audrey is thankful for this holiday season:

Chocolate because it is yummy.
Jack because he is a good friend.
Cartwheels because they are good.
Mom because she loves me.

Word.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Fright Night Gallery of School Pictures

A few weeks ago, I came out of the closet as a kiddie portrait addict, and pointed out that school pictures really have no chance at all of turning out well because mothers aren't present for them. And now I will present my evidence in the form of Audrey's and BFF Grace Anne's school pictures.

To the left is Exhibit A. Note the unfluffed hair and bad attitude that screams "I hate having my picture taken and no one is even trying to get me to smile. Where's the crazy lady that's usually here spazzing out and singing the Hot Dog Song from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse like I'm fucking 18 months old?"

Audrey has a lot to learn about posing for the camera. And Grace Anne is just the gal to school her.  I present you my favorite school picture of all time....drum roll....BAM!




Grace Anne's mother would like me to point out that she did not know it was picture day that day. Else Grace Anne would have been sporting her finest tank top and scrunchie. She gave me the password to the website where you can order copies and play with different backgrounds, and I've been doing practically nothing else since. It's amazing how the context changes with various backgrounds....

The tank top is making total sense now.
Doin' the Funky Chicken.




















Ground control to Major Tom.
Call the police! She's been
stuffed into a burlap sack!!!!
Dude, I'm hiking the Grand Canyon...
what did you expect me to wear???
This one's for the troops.




Audrey's personal favorite.
She calls this one "Under The Sea".
Christmas card...DONE!

The marvelous Dani G and I have created a Blog Hop, so if you've got any doozy school pics you'd like to share, link 'em up below!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Sexual Abuse and The Developmentally Disabled

My latest article on Patch is not exactly a barrel of laughs. I'm writing about child sexual abuse in the wake of the Penn State scandal, and the astronomical rates at which the developmentally disabled are targeted by predators.

All I can say is...we'd better hope and pray that the statistics are wrong.

Click HERE to read.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Cuckoo For Cartwheels

Over the life of this blog, I've shared many of Audrey's obsessions. Some of them were fleeting, while some will probably never fleet. I've always thought that this blog could be a sort of a journal for me to look back on, lest I forget any of the darling phases that we've passed through.

We've been through Canadian geese, texting cats, the iPhone, eating toiletries, sticking random things into hard drives, watching kids jump into pools, band-aids, cake smelling, feet smelling, marker smelling, department store mattresses, berating Minnie Mouse, YouTube cooking videos, and my pajamas...just to name a few.

Her latest obsession is cartwheels. She loves watching other people do tumbling moves, and her new opening line to perfect strangers -- replacing such classics as asking them their last name or telling them not to run with scissors -- is now "Can you do a round-off?"

I thought at first that the movements were a visual stim for her, but she seemed equally thrilled with the static scarecrow in the above photo who was frozen mid-cartwheel. I think she thought that if she attempted enough cartwheels in front of him that he'd animate himself and join her...



Now that Halloween is over and the scarecrow exhibit at the Arboretum has no doubt been taken down, she'll have to rely on her other source for a cartwheel fix...Dancing With The Stars. Every Monday and Tuesday, she begs to stay up and watch the show hoping that they will perform "fun dances". Meaning ix-nay on the Viennese waltz and up with the jive, quick-step, samba, etc.

When she is finally rewarded with a somersault, cartwheel, or flip, she commandeers the TiVo remote and rewinds over and over and over and over and over...



....until all I hear when I'm trying to fall asleep is:

"This is the most difficult choreography that I've ever attempted on Dancing With The Stars."
"Really? That's pretty intimidating. That means..."
"It means that I have faith in you and I think you can do it."
"I won't let you down."
"Elbows back! Elbows locked!"

Of course, this wasn't half as bad as the week that Nancy Grace did a cartwheel during practice, exposing her gut to God and country. Try watching that 984 times and getting to sleep...

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Attack Of The Killer Should-Be's

I'm all for celebrating my kid's special-ness and standing up for diversity and fighting for acceptance of the differently-abled, but when it comes to being of a certain school age when conformity is king...

Well, let's just say I'm all for getting her a backpack with Hannah Montana or Justin Bieber or whoever-the-hell is en vogue with the queen bees of second grade if it means she's less likely to be swirlied.

Anyway, that's what my latest Patch article is about. I also talk about punching parents of NT kids in the throat, so there's that too.  CLICK HERE TO READ!!