Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A Very Special Winter Break

How's winter break going for everyone? How do your kids do with two weeks of unstructured time off?

For us, it's not as bad as it used to be, but it still takes a concerted effort to make sure that there is some semblance of a schedule.

Click HERE to read all about my past winter break FAILS...

Saturday, December 17, 2011

The Downers Grove Christmas Tree Is...

Last year, I wrote a post called "The Downers Grove Christmas Tree Is Rubbish" which got me some attention in my hometown, led to my column at the Patch and a writeup on my blog in the Chicago Tribune Local, and garnered me riches and fame beyond my wildest dreams. Well, two out of three ain't bad.

I thought I should carry on with the tradition and say something equally inflammatory about my town's Christmas tree this year. I'm not nearly as famous as I need to be, so I figured that I had take it up a notch or five. So for the 2011 edition, I will say that The Downers Grove Christmas Tree Is...RACIST! Whaaaaat? Shut your mouth! Oh no you di-int.

EXHIBIT A:

Mrs. Claus or...Mrs. Butterworth?
You decide.
The white face isn't fooling anyone.


OK, so maybe I'm painting Mrs. Butterworth with the same brush as Aunt Jemima. Is Mrs. Butterworth as racist an image as Aunt Jemima? Is Mrs. Butterworth even black?

So I Googled it and found a blog called Yo, Is This Racist? I can't find anything on the site about the person running it, but I'm willing to accept him/her as the final arbiter of what is racist...I mean, he's got a blog right? And a submission box labeled "Yo, Ask Me If Something Is Racist". And when someone named Anonymous asked if the Mrs. Butterworth bottle was racist, he/she answered as follows:
"Holy shit, yo, that shit is astoundingly racist"
He said "shit" twice. Case almost closed. I have one more photo to submit into evidence, but first some-not-nearly-as-offensive-as-racism-but-still-offensive ornaments:

Cyclopean gingerbread man
with a scrotal piercing
Special needs parents could have supplied
enough materials for a treeful of these.

I'd like to think that I had something to do
with the abundance of plastic wrap this year.
Poor Mr. Bill.


Owen does not read my blog or he would
know that old AOL CD's with a couple of
Christmas stickers do not decor make.
I swear it was not me that pulled
back the tin foil on this one.


My annual dough-based-ornament-gone-bad
Rorschach test.

And finally EXHIBIT B proving definitively that the Downers Grove Christmas tree is racist:

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Go Ahead, Pull My Beard

In my latest Patch article, I marvel at the quality of mall Santas in this day and age.

In my day, they were obviously fake and mostly drunk...and we'd still walk 10 miles through two feet of snow in our stocking feet just to see him.

Click HERE to hear more of this old woman yelling at clouds.