Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Zou Bisou Bi-Zhu Zhu

So Audrey came upon my iPhone, which was logged into eBay, which is linked up to my PayPal account, which is linked to my credit card, and could have bought anything her little heart desired.

What did she choose? (HINT: The photo to the left ain't there for nuttin'.) How did I discover it? Why did it almost create an international incident?

Friday, May 18, 2012

M is for the Mac 'n Cheese You Gave Me


A little late, but this was among the Mother's Day gifts in Audrey's overstuffed backpack last Friday. Over the years, I've gotten a lot of stuff with hand and/or foot prints, painted flowerpots, and various cards or artwork featuring her photo. What was in your kid's backpack?


Am I not funny? Am I not a clown
Do I not make you laugh?

My husband is still bitching about this one. COOK???

So adamant about the cooking that 
she registered a write-in vote.


Awwww....I do know how to make mac and cheese.


Great. I could really use a new car too. 

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

You Can't Spell Mommy Wars Without Mommy

You've probably heard enough about the Mommy Wars by now, and read way too many posts about that stupid Time magazine cover story. Well, too bad because here's one more. Hey, at least I didn't use that odious cover photo on my post.

Anyhoo, my latest article on the Patch talks about my experiences in the trenches of this war before Audrey was diagnosed. After she was diagnosed, I had better things to do than compete with the women in my mothers' group over milestones that Audrey wasn't going to be meeting until their kids were well into their Ivy League-prep years.

CLICK HERE TO READ ALL ABOUT IT!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

All The World's a Stage...

...and, in times of crisis, our friends and family merely d-bags. Or a-holes. Or f-wads. Take your pick. Well, not all of them all of the time. Just some of them most of the time.

I'm over on the Patch today talking about the roles that people tend to play in our lives, especially when we need them most. The Doomsayer, The Competitor, The Denier. I hope for your sake that you've also got an Eternal Optimist or maybe even a Hot Young Pool Boy in the mix.

Click HERE to read all about it.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Merry Autism Awareness Day!

Today is World Autism Awareness day!

One of the goals of this day is to encourage early detection, diagnosis and intervention...and completely not in keeping with that spirit, hop over to the Patch and read my foolproof and politically-incorrect guide to denying that your child has autism. You're welcome!

Click HERE says Cleo, Queen of Da Nile....

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Baby Mozart: A Dissertation

Watching Baby Mozart

I like to watch Baby Mozart.
In Baby Mozart I don't like the puppet dog.
I only like Maria.
In the castle toy,
I like the egg sound.

I cannot like the boo boo boo sound.
In the castle toy, I like the yellow ball.
I cannot like the other colors like the green ball, the blue ball, or the red ball.

When I am not on Youtube
I can go to Google.
When I am not on Google
I can go back to Youtube! :)

I like the fruits, pets, dolls.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Moves Like Jagger

This was our first night in Florida, after dinner in downtown Disney. The first video features Audrey in the background snubbing someone trying to dance with her while Grace Anne gets jiggy in the foreground, and closes with Audrey (what else) copying Grace Anne's moves...




Miles and miles of gangly limbs....




And the coup de grace, Grace Anne busts a hoe-down move that Audrey doesn't not have the motor skills to copy....

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Freaking In a Winter Disney-land

Our trip to Disneyworld was mostly blissful...until the very last day when I momentarily lost track of Audrey at a water park.

You know the drill: heart-racing, cold-sweating, sheer terror as you imagine the worst that could happen.

Obviously the story has a happy ending or I would be under court under not to write about it. Click HERE to read all about it on the Patch.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Pickin' and a-Grinnin'

She may not like them, but she currently shares their smile...

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Overheard at Disneyworld

Our second annual trip to DisneyWorld with Audrey's BFF Grace Anne, her mother Aimee, and Grace Anne's Pawpaw and Meemaw was another resounding success.

For the second year in a row, we got to hear the following conversation ad nauseum:

Grace Anne: "Audrey, stop copying me! Be your own person! Why do you keep copying me?"

Audrey: "Because it's fun!"

Also, there was Audrey asking each of us about eleventy billion times apiece if we could do a cartwheel. Over the course of the week, there was a sum total of about 8 other conversations that were not the above. Although even a few of those were variations on the theme.



                                                      --------------------

Creepy guy going from table to table making balloon animals: "Grace Anne, are you married?"

Grace Anne: "I don't know. Mom, am I married?"
Aimee: "No, you are not married."
Audrey: "I'll marry you Grace Anne!"

                                                      --------------------

Grace Anne continuously trying to interrupt the adult conversation to get her mother's attention as if her hair was on fire: "Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!"
Aimee: "WHAT Grace Anne?"
Grace Anne: "Have you ever eaten rainbows?"

                                                      --------------------

After a long day at the park, Audrey was completely wiped, but this didn't keep her from parroting Grace Anne one last time even though she wasn't even present to hear it so that she could launch into the desired "who's on first?" scripted routine. Grace Anne was in the living room playing with her DSi and yelled "OH!" To which Audrey whisper-echoed "oh" as she was drifting off to sleep.

                                                      --------------------

Audrey: "Aimee, can you do a cartwheel?"
Aimee: "No, I can't do a cartwheel! You know who can do good cartwheels is..."
Audrey: "Julie Andrews?"

                                                      --------------------

After dragging Audrey to see Country Bear Jamboree by myself because everyone else wisely begged off as the show is so painfully corny, unfunny, moldy and tired that even Audrey was crying for mercy:

Audrey: "It is over yet?"
Me: "Just a few more minutes. Look! Look there! What's that coming down from the ceiling?"
Audrey: "Uh, I dunno. A bear?"

                                                      --------------------

Grace Anne: "Audrey, why do you always copy me?"
Audrey: "I don't know."
Grace Anne: "You're supposed to say 'because it's fun'".

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Old MacDonald Bought the Farm



In my latest Patch article, I discuss how to explain death to a child with autism. Just call me Elizabeth Kubler Ross. Or not. Either way.
CLICKETH ON THESE WORDS AND GO FORTH AND READETH. 

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Magnificent Obsession

I wrote last fall about Audrey's new obsession with cartwheels. Well, it hasn't faded, and, as a matter of fact, intensified to the extent where I decided to try to have it do us some good.

I enrolled her in a gymnastics class at our park district, and so far she is doing well...hanging with the normies and everything! Read all about it HERE on the Patch!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

When I Get Older...

Audrey's been talking a lot lately about things she's gonna do "when she gets older". Which for the most part amounts to all of the things that I won't let her do right now...plus some other weird shit.

Audrey: "When I get older, I'm going to..."

  • Have a doggy and a kitty.
  • Walk my doggy and kitty.
  • Work at school and get to use the teacher's bathroom.
  • Buy cupcakes, mac and cheese, cookies, candy, cake pops, whoopie pies, hot chocolate, marshmallow pops, cheese sticks, donuts, caramel corn, cotton candy, pizza, french fries, ice cream...
  • Work at the yellow house down the block. (me: *?*)
  • Drive. (me: *Oh Lord*)
  • Have a baby in her tummy (me: *sob*)

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Who Cares Why Manhole Covers Are Round?

My latest Patch article follows on my last one about my (so far) half-assed job search. Have you heard of these jackass interview questions that are like the riddle of the Sphinx? Have you ever been asked any weirdo questions in an interview? Do I really have to be prepared to answer questions like these?

The whole thing makes me so tired I think I'm going to take a nice long break from barely looking for a job...

Click HERE to read more!

Friday, January 13, 2012

Popping My Chuck E. Cheese Cherry

Somehow I managed to make it through nearly 8 years of parenthood without having ever crossing the threshold of a Chuck E. Cheese. But that all changed last weekend. Audrey was invited to the birthday party of one of the boys in her self-contained classroom at this notorious establishment.

Everybody has to experience it at least once, right? I just crossed my fingers and prayed that all we would come away with was blog material, and not, say, an antibiotic-resistant strain of dysentery.

The one handy part about being a total pessimist/cynic/mortal dreader of everyone and everything, is that things are sometimes not as bad as you thought they'd be. And this was definitely true for Chuck E. Cheese. I actually didn't think it was that bad.

It was, of course, the definition of sensory overload, and it took Audrey a while to acclimate to the combination of hordes of noisy kids, flashing lights and noises from the arcade games, an animatronic band of costumed animals, blaring music and video screens, and the sweet, sweet smell of all that pizza and cheesy bread.

Plus, she was seeing classmates outside of their usual context, which always freaks her out. But besides Audrey and Chris, the birthday boy, there was just the famous Jack in attendance. So it was a small party. According to Chris' mom, Chris said that Audrey is his girlfriend. Given that she's the only girl in a class with 9 boys, I think she's everyone's girlfriend.
Party of three
I couldn't get Audrey to stay in one place for long enough to play many of the arcade games. She did like one that sketched your portrait....

The Three Faces of Cheese

I asked her what she was so worried about in the picture on the right, and she thought that was hilarious. Now she keeps looking at it and saying, "What was she so worried about?" while laughing her head off.

Everyone told me that kids tend to be mortally afraid of The Master of Ceremonies when he finally makes his appearance. My nieces, who are now 16 and 20, have still not gotten over their fear of costumed creatures. I guess that's one way to ensure your kid doesn't become one of those weirdo plushy fetishists. There's little that doesn't cause Audrey anxiety, but somehow she was not afraid of Chuck E.

Future plushy   ^^

And of course it's not a party until Audrey smells your cake...



When it was finally time for the big finale and singing "Happy Birthday", I think the birthday boy reflected the feelings of many of past, present, and future birthday honorees...

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Briefcase Full of Blues

2012 will more than likely be the year that I return to work after seven years off from full-time employment.

If I am to believe every article ever written about working motherhood, I am doomed to a life of debilitating stress and crushing depression upon returning to work.

Click HERE to read all about the secret to avoiding that all-too-common fate.

PS: I will actually be posting a non-Patch post this week...if there is anyone still out there who cares *sniff*